Thoughts
by SaturnineSunshine
Summary: My version of what could happen in the next episode In the Realm of the Basses. I've finally finished with a day to spare before the actual episode In the Realm of the Basses premiers. I'm proud of this, though I must warn you some of the things are OOC
1. Intro

**I. Intro**

_This is what I brought you_

_This you can keep_

_This is what I brought_

_You may forget me_

_I pormised you my heart_

_Just promise one thing_

_Kiss my eyes and lay me to sleep_

_- Prelude 12/21_

_--AFI_

He didn't expect to see her, but there she was. In the fray, completely oblivious to the pain she was causing him. He had come back... but only because he had to. It hurt him to constantly think of how he was hurting her so he convinced himself it was all for the best. That it was for her. That one day... she would be happy without him. So he drowned himself in scotch. But only worked into the waking hours. At night when he passed out... she was all he could dream about.

And then his savior came. His only family left. But she had forsaken him, forsaken what was saving him. She had forsaken him.

So there he saw her in the throng of drunken people dancing against each other. And she was one of them. He thought he could distract himself the wayhe had last summer when he had hurt her. Again. He couldn't stop. But it was the fuel that fired them. They couldn't stop what they were. And this was how they were. But this wasn't her. She wasn't promiscuous. Well, not with anyone else. She wasn't a problem drinker. She wasn't a partier. At least, where anyone could see her. But she had changed. She wasn't this way when he had returned... that he could recall. But he couldn't recall much. He barely remembered the plane ride back.


	2. Hallucintation

**II. Hallucination**

_Come up to meet you_

_Tell you I'm sorry_

_You don't know how lovely you are_

_I had to find you_

_Tell you I need you_

_Tell you I set you apart_

_Tell me your secrets_

_Ask me your questions_

_Lets go back to the start_

_-The Scientist_

_--Coldplay_

Bangkok was... undescribable. Mostly because Chuck couldn't remember it. But the unimaginable thing was that he could think of Blair. When he couldn't even see his surroundings straight, her essence was ever present. Even with all the other girl and the alcohol, he thought she was there. And the worst part of it was, if she was there, she wouldn't care. Blair wouldn't care about his boozing and womanizing. Because she loved him. When he left he finally had to admit that fact. That she wasn't for once acting on her own selfish agenda which caught his attention in the first place. She wanted to pull him out. And it wasn't that it was too late. It was that he was too gone.

Her face kept breaking his heart, the one that was frozen solid. But he convinced himself that it was for her own good. He was glad he was across the world otherwise he couldn't be strong enough to keep away from her. If he stayed, he would have let her take care of him. If he stayed that night and waited for the morning, with her always at his side, she would have been his. And that, he convinced himself, is what would be her undoing in the end.

But Blair still wouldn't care that he was destroying himself over something that Chuck had no control over. She would accept him back evertime even though he was with other people and not her. She loved him just the way he was. Evil, conniving, manipultative... her complete match in every way. She would accept him back because that's who they were. It was their cycle. But he couldn't let that happen anymore. He couldn't let her be destroyed along with him.

But Chuck thought of Blair of every second of every day that he didn't see her. She was always with him, even when she wasn't supposed to be.

So he was slumped... somewhere... in... Bangkok...? He thought that was Thai he was hearing but he just didn't know anymore. And she was of course there every step of the way with him. He just wished she were real. Shadows crossed his face. He told her not to come looking for him. But since when did Blair ever listen to him? He told her he wasn't hungry, she gave him food. He told her he didn't want to be there, she ran after him. She knew him the best. Better than his father...did. Better than Nate.

But Blair wasn't standing over him right then. He just pretended she was. Pretended that she found him after all, the true testament to the love she proclaimed. But Blair wasn't that tall or... old. Blair was young and beautiful. A true Upper East Sider. This demon of his future... wasn't. He blacked out. Again. So she came to him. Again.

Chuck's ears roared against the altitude change. It didn't wake any sense. He took a jet here to one of his father's, now his, hotel chain in Bangkok, but he was pretty sure he name was forsaken everywhere because of his behavior. It didn't matter anymore. Everything that mattered to him was gone. His father was dead, he hurt his surrogate brother. He left the only person he had even genuinely loved. He was sure she would never forgive him. Even though she eventually always did.

He couldn't tell who was on the plane with him. Probability said that it wasn't Blair. But he pretended she was there.

_Hey_

Chuck looked up from his dark thoughts. She was there. Her deep dark eyes mesmorizing, as usual. She had no idea what she did to him. How she could captivate him with just one look. But she always did. He would go to extreme lengths to keep her at a safe distance. But all of that was gone now. He was deeply inebriated. And he needed her. He would tell her everything.

_I told you to stay away _She didn't say anything back. She just stared into his eyes. She surrounded his head with her arms like she had the night he left her. It wasn't for good, apparently.

_I'll stand by you through anything_, her words achoed what she said right before he left her for the first time that day.

_I wish you wouldn't, _he lied. He wanted to tell her everything. How he truly loved her. It wouldn't matter anyway. He could explain it later as just a drunken explanation. She wasn't fooled.

_You're lying, _she smiled. Blair could always tell. She knew him. And he knew her. But he smiled at her too. As long as she was here, he would embrace her. _I'll take care of you now, _she promised. No angel like her could be lying. And he could tell when she was lying. There were rarely moments of candidity like this. The one night came to mind when they got together officially at her birthday. He told her she was beautiful. She responded by kissing him. He knew she was using him, but he didn't care. No one talked to Blair like that. They said things like that only to Serena. But Chuck didn't think of her that way. Blair was the most beautiful thing that had ever existed. And he hated how she had been mistreated by everyone. Neglected by everyone from her own mother to Nate. She was with him because he loved her unconditionally and fully. Because he saw how she was special when no one else could.

_I didn't want to leave you, _he confessed. She knew. She always knew. _I never wanted to leave you. Conditions beyond our control. But it was for the best. It always was._

_I don't believe that, _Blair said, still smiling. How was she so perfect? He was trying to tell her how evil he was, and she just kept on forgiving him. It was unnatural. But he wanted her to tell him how everything was going to be alright. He wanted her to say it again. _Keep pushing me away, I'll keep coming back._

There it was. She was what he wanted. Who he always and only wanted. He ached for her touch.

_I don't want you to leave either, _she whispered to him. Like it was some secret. Chuck wasn't good enough for her, though. She had to understand that.

_But I have to, _he told her remorsely. _I'm too bad for you._ He knew Blair was perfect. So how could she deserve someone who would continually and endlessly tear her apart.

_You're worth it. Every time._

Chuck wanted to disagree but all her could her was her whispers of forgiveness and love in his ear. So he grabbed onto it.

_I'll never leave you again, _he promised. This time it was for real. _It almost killed me this time. Never again. I want to be with you always._

_Good, _she finally sighed. _Good._


	3. Self Loathing

**III. Self Loathing**

_"Self loathing is quaint" _

_You told me, showing restraint_

_Now you're gone, and I'm lost_

_In the swells, I am tossed_

_Bobbing and choking and losing the fight in the fog_

_You said forever_

_-Drunken Lament_

_--Ludo_

Chuck's face contorted at the sight of Blair on display. It sickened him. She sickened him. She said she would stand by him. Forever. And he believed her. And what was she doing? Whoring herself out to the entire club. He looked at the leggy blonde eyeing him from the bar. Another night, another conquest.

Blair didn't know how she got here. She was forever lost in the midst of horror and agony. Chuck was back. She thought he could make everything better. Like he usually did. His signature smirk and peverted words. His dark slanting eyes, distinguished eyebrows and deep throaty voice. Who knew someone like him could possess her in everyway, always. But that wasn't it.

Could she have been stupid enough to think that he had come back for her? The answer was yes. Yes, she thought that Chuck Bass had come back because he realized how he truly felt. He came back to tell her. But he hadn't. He had been dragged back by someone no one thought they would ever see again. Blair hadn't forgotten him. Blair hadn't forgotten him because of her genetic make-up. It made it impossible for Blair to forget the vile excuse for a human being.

The reason she was queen and lording over everyone because she had that power. She always had. She could see into people's souls. She used to have a special talent that corresponded to Chuck Bass. She prided herself in thinking she could decipher the completely undecipherable Chuck Bass. But it turned out it was something else. Not just her powers but his as well. They knew each other because they were each other.

So when an essence ever more evil than Blair, Chuck, Bart, and Eleanor had come back, Blair wanted to vomit. But she didn't. She stopped after her pregnancy scare. She was staying strong for him. But everything changed when Chuck almost fell off that building. Drunk, of course, again. Blair convinced herself that he wasn't trying to commit suicide but that's when she made a decision. She would do anything that meant Chuck wouldn't end up splattered all over the pavement. Even if that meant he hated her, she would have to do it. Because a Chuck Bass who hated her, but was still alive to make smarky comments and even bed every other woman in New York was better then never seeing him ever again.

Because she loved him. She hadn't allowed herself to think it since he got back because he obviously wasn't the same person, but she could think it now. Because right now, she was as gone as he was. But even in her inebriated state of mind in the middle of the club, she could spot him. His distinguished figure against the strobes and loud music.

And she had thought that he was looking right at her. It made her diminished heart surge to think about what he might be thinking about. But no. As soon as she thought that their eyes had locked, he turned to the bar. Seemingly, right into the arms of some leggy blonde, drunker that she was.

Blair hit the bathroom. She gazed at her reflection. She was distgusted with herself. Her whole figure was... grotesque. She was used to this self- loathing and knew what would usually end up happening. She wasn't wrong. She looked at her self and all she could think of were insults that she internally pelted at herself. _Fat, grotesque, gross, bloated, red, huge, obese..._ Not the person Chuck had first approached. She took a deep breath and forced herself to stare upon the body she had destroyed. And the mind that was deteriorating behind it.


	4. Violation

**IV. Violation**

The moment Jack had entered her life, Blair couldn't see anymore. She couldn't see Serena's pity, which she couldn't stand anyway. She couldn't see Nate's confusion. She (thankfully) couldn't see Dan and his damned concern. She couldn't see Cyrus and Eleanor, obvious to them that something was devestatingly wrong. And lucky for her, they thought it was all about Chuck. Chuck was involved, but that wasn't it. Blair was blotted out by terror and pain. And there was only one way she knew how to control it. She just had to hide it from everyone else.

From the moment Chuck had returned, Blair was lost and she couldn't find her way back to her superior self. Her confident self. All she saw was her old self that slid back to self- destructive tendencies.

From the moment Chuck had returned, being dragged by his uncle, Jack Bass, Blair only knew a life of tragedy. She knew Chuck hated her, but that didn't matter. Because she had recently made a promise to herself that she would help him, whether he wanted her to or not.

"Chuck doesn't want to see you." Oh the sensitivity of deceased Bart's brother.

"I wasn't asking your permission," Blair responded acidly. She stood awkwardly outside of the hotel Jack Bass currently resided in. It killed her that Chuck was inside not getting the attention he needed. It killed her that his enemy was feeding him poison. That the person he thought loved him the most was slowly killing him. It was all she could do but not scream.

"Well, if he won't see you, I guess you'll just have to talk to me," Jack smirked. Blair wanted to vomit. Not in the "I need to control my life" way. But in the way that "I am seriosuly going to be sick at what you just suggested" way. Chuck could charm his way anywhere, but Blair detested Jack and what he was doing was seriosuly twisted. Chuck would do that, but he did that to everyone. She would get glorious chills when Chuck spoke in his low voice to her. No one heard what Chuck would say to her when they were alone. He could be sweet and un-selfish. But Jack reverted everything.

But his comment made Blair do the stupidest thing she cold have ever done. And she would pay for it. Jack poured her a drink but she scrunched her nose at it. It wasn't that she couldn't hold her liquor, because she was practically professional at it. But Jack Bass pouring her a drink literally made her stomach churn.

That's when she noticed something. The bottle was practically empty. Blair knew her liquor and no one could down that in one night. Jack was drunk. It was too late for her to realize this, or course, because right as she did, he leaned into her.


	5. Forsaken

**V. Forsaken**

_It started with a low light_

_Next thing I knew, they ripped me from my bed, then they took my blood type_

_They left a strange impression in my head_

_You know that I was hoping_

_That I could leave this star crossed world behind_

_But when they cut me open_

_I guess I changed my mind_

_- Spaceman_

_-- The Killers_

Chuck woke up with a splitting head ache. Alone. Not knowing where he was. Again. He hadn't dreampt of Blair since that fateful conversation, where she had forsaken him, broken her promise, and her love for him. He was used to such mornings as these, but usually there was some skinny blonde next to him. It was routine he would kick her out and then get breakfast. But he was alone.

He sauntered, still half drunkenly into his uncle's presence. He didn't see how Jack quickly slid confidential papers out of his underage nephew's sight. Chuck didn't see anything amiss. He was too swallowed in pain and lingering alcohol.

"Rough night?" Chuck looked up at his uncles cheerful face.

"Not in the good way," Chuck mused. "Actually, I don't really remember much of it," Chuck ammended. As much as he loved his uncle, Chuck just wished he would stop talking. Jack knew Chuck as much as only one other person... Chuck couldn't let him think of her name. He expected her to be angry with him but not rebelling that was worth of Old Serena.

That sent another pang of pain through him. He could care less about Serena but it was her brother who hadn't deserved the harsh words he received. So Chuck stayed away. Because he just hurt the people he loved. But Jack was a Bass. He could take it. They were alike.

"What happened to the scotch?" Chuck suddenly realized that there were shards of glass all over the bar.

"A true Bass," Jack responded amused at Chuck's concern over the lack of alcohol. "Broke it last night. I was being stupid. Unlike you, I don't have a head ache to show for it, just sobriety." Chuck smiled. He enjoyed spending time with his uncle. And his uncle loved him, in a way that could not be driven away unlike... Jack would never disappoint him.

After showering and avoiding more thoughts of his previous life, Chuck, again, found himself at another bar. There was nothing else. After being expelled from St. Jude's, he was being admitted to Riverside Prepatory School for Boys. But that took time. He just had to wait. He should have known he, too was being waited for.

"Chuck." Chuck looked up. He shouldn't have. More of his previous life had intruded on his current one.

"Nathaniel," Chuck responded. There was an awkward silence which Nate quickly broke.

"You went out last night, right? Did you see--"

"I'm not talking about her. She made her feelings about me perfectly clear."

"You mean when she told you she loved you and you left her in the middle of the street?" Chuck cast him what he thought would be his signature glare. But all he saw in the reflection of his best friend's crystal blue eyes was a man with death in his eyes. Completely hollow of any emotion.

"You obviously already know. She told you she saw me with some other girl and is cursing my name. Figures."

"So you did see her?"

"Why do you care? You wanted to see the show for yourself?"

"Chuck, I know you don't want us around you. We learned that from... her. But I don't want to lose someone else. Even if it is Blair." Chuck didn't really care what Blair had gotten herself into. She deserved it for how she served him.

"You really don't care..." Nate started. He was cut off by Chuck snapping his head up to Nate. This time his glare shown through.

"She has completely forsaken me, why not do the same for her? She deserves as much. If partying was ever a problem, maybe you should have come for me sooner." He slid off the stool. Why couldn't everyone leave him alone? That was why he was living with Jack now. Jack just let him be. Like everyone else should. Like if she did, things wouldn't be this way anymore.

"You don't know the whole story," Nate protested, trying to keep Chuck from leaving. Chuck knew what Nate was doing.

"You know all she was doing was trying to help. You know she loves you more than anything."

"She shouldn't have tried to pull one over on me. Just because she changed isn't my fault. She's different and you're blaming me."

"It's not your fault--"

"Goodbye, Nathaniel... Send Punky Brewster my regards." They both knew they wouldn't see each other in a long time. And they were both thinking of the night that everything changed for all of them.


	6. Betrayal

**VI. Betrayal**

_It's in the water, baby_

_It's in your family tree_

_It's in the water, baby_

_It's between you and me_

_Bite the hand that feeds_

_Attack the vein that bleeds_

_Down on my bended knees_

_I break the back of love for you_

_I break the back of love for you_

_-Post Blue_

_--Placebo_

From the moment Chuck had returned from Bangkok, everything changed. It was in fact not Blair who had come to his rescue, but his uncle. Jack Bass, Bart Bass's brother and Chuck's only living relative left. And that held some priority. Sometimes he wished the conversation on the plane with "Blair" had actually happened, just so she knew how sorry he was. But in a way, he was glad that it was Jack who was there. Blair loved him for the way he was like her. The cool exterior and the fire below. Would she love him the same if she realized he had turned into... Nate? Nate was the reason she came running to him in the first place. She needed someone completely different. Not someone dumb, moral... and just boring. She needed him. And he delivered. But if he just started confessing his feelings and motivations, where did that leave them? Their relationship was based on the fact of how they were the same. How they could read each other's thoughts and emotions as well as their own.

Chuck woke up in Lily and his father's old apartment. Evedentally Jack had carried him off the plane and out of the limo-- to a waiting Blair. She didn't look for him as he asked her to, just waited. She knew him so well that she knew that he would be back. But it wasn't him who had come back from his choice. It was some sort of demon that was dragged back by obligation. But she was still there. Always waiting. This gave him hope. But not for long. Sometimes he saw something flicker behind her eyes after he had sobered up. She was breaking and it was his fault. Better to distance himself and have a healing Blair that hated him than a broken Blair with him that would never be the same. Maybe it was selfishness, him not wanting to see Blair in that condition. Him wanting to always see her as the strong, cool, and composed woman he had always admired. But he never said he was selfless. He was quite the opposite of moral. But so was she. They never got tired of scheming.

So down the rabbit hole he went again, with not a second look behind at the woman he left behind, again. At the woman who vowed to never let go. And she made good on her promise.

Blair had a key to Chuck's suite. He knew this because he gave it to her. He gave it to her to she could seduce Nate and get his mind of Serena. But somehow he felt bad about it afterwards. It wasn't his conscience. He barely had one. What he couldn't get out of his mind were Nate and Blair when they left. He watched them go up to his suite to finish it and yet he had no idea why he felt wishful. He had everything. He had everything but her. He just didn't know it yet.

This was the only time he wished he hadn't give Blair that key. He was trying to distance himself from her and she was making it so much harder.

He gazed up into her haughty face with her hands on her hips, her hip cocked to one side. He wished she didn't look that way. He wished she wouldn't look at him that way. She looked how he imagined her on the plane. Utterly perfect. From her signature stockings to the cold expression on her face. It used to give him pleasure that he was the only one who could make her truly smile. That she was in a happier place because of him. All of that was different. He thought she was mad at him. But, honestly, he really couldn't tell. He was too inebriated, to tell the truth.

So she just stood there, that same beautiful experssion fixed on her face, looking expectant like she had asked him a question. He let his eyes smolder at her. To his recollection, that's what really broke her down. But her eyes turned hard, like she was remembering something painful. Even he could tell in his current state of mind. He turned away from her, his silent signal telling her to leave.

He heard footsteps and was relieved to hear that she was leaving. They could read each other's movements as easy as printed words. _Clink_. Not so, apparently. Instead she went around the bar to face him. She slid the bottle of scotch away from him when he reached for it. He was getting annoyed, now. He was going out of his way to protect her from himself and she was making it so hard. Alcohol made it easier. Why couldn't she understand that?

"Blair." A slight smirk worthy of Chuck himself crossed her face as he addressed her.

"At least you're talking to me now," she responded. Chuck wanted to groan. She really wasn't getting it. She actually thought she was getting through to him when it was the opposite. She needed to leave. Now. He wouldn't be able to control himself much longer. Scotch was not doing well for his mind set. If she didn't leave soon, he was sure she would be on her back. And she would welcome it. It's what she wanted. But it was bad for her.

"What, no phones in Bangkok?" Her smile was still in place. Inside his stomach dropped. No one could do that to him but her. She could make him stop in his tracks without even trying. She could make him love her.

"You can't be here," his voice scratched. Blair frowned. His throat gave away his new and old habit.

"Give me one good reason," Blair echoed the same words she said when she came back from Europe last summer. When she tried to get him to tell her that he loved her. The truth was he had loved her for a long time. Since forever. He just hadn't realized it since _Victrola_. And he hadn't even been able to admit it until she had reconciled with Nate. And he hadn't been able to admit it out loud until his... _father_'s wedding. He winced at the thought. It was still painful to think about. And he had even admitted it to Nate. Chuck's best friend but also Blair's first love. Chuck never had a first love. Until Blair. First and last. How could anyone stand this agony of love? He knew the answer to that, though. Everyone else's love wasn't as twisted as their's. But that's what made it worth while. It was unique.

He was going to have to cheat. He would have to use his unfair powers against her. He knew they worked. It would hurt her more in the long-run but in the end, she would be better for it.

He took a stealthy step towards her. Or at least, that's what he hoped it looked like to her. Really all he as trying to do was keep from falling to her feet. He had to be careful. If he showed one moment of weakness she would have him. He would give into her. He would let her take care of him. They would have each other. But there was no saying when he would end up hurting her again. Maybe she would even end up like everyone else he had loved. Maybe she would end up like his mother or father. Maybe she would end up dead. It sounded a little melodramtic in his head, but that's what it took to convince himself that she needed to leave. He had no other reasons. In reality, he wanted her here. He needed her the way she wanted him. But that wasn't going to happen tonight. Never again.

Blair didn't back away from him. She was holding up a strong front. This was what he wanted. He could bring her down easier this way. Their faces were inches away. Blair's resolve wavered slightly. Yes. He had her. He breathed in her intoxicating scent. Risky move on his part, but he had to make it look like he was giving in. She leaned in slightly and that's when he grasped the bottle around the neck. She started and stared at him with her deep dark eyes that almost broke him.

"No," he breathed and whisked the alcohol out over her lax hands. He didn't think she would leave now, but he could tell it was only a matter of time before the explosion that would lead to her exit. That's how it always was. Refusal of love proclomations, rejection of love proclomations, revelations of games. That was them.

He looked at her eyes again. Bad move this time. With anyone else this would be easier. But no one else woud be fighting for him. As he looked into the endless depths of her eyes he saw something click. That's when he realized his own eyes had given him away. She took swift steps towards him. For a fearful second he thought she was going to kiss him. If she did, there was no saying what would happen. No, there was. He would give in. But she just looked at him, analyzing his every motion.

She saw pain there, yes, but his eyes gave him away. She saw his motivation. _Damn_. Now she would never leave.

"Come with me," she asked him, her eyes pleading. He wanted nothing more than to pull her in his arms and have her forever. Like it seemed in her bedroom the night he left. But he did something he knew would make her back away. He sculpted his face into an expression he had many times. He saw it in the reflection of her deep eyes. Spite. She started backing away but not before she spoke.

"You can't stay in here forever," Blair stated as a blind fact. She was right. He couldn't not see her forever. Whether that was what she meant or not, it was true. But that was why he was doing this. So when eventually, years from now, when he did see her again, he wouldn't hurt her. It would just be him. He would suffer in silence, but it was better than her being gone forever.

"Maybe not," Chuck started. Really he was just stalling now. If she got back to the topic of _them _it would be all over for him. "But I've got Jack with me. Finally someone without hidden agenda." He didn't mean for it to sound so harsh, but that's how most of his words came out. Her head went back slightly like she was just hit with a wave of pain.

But then something happened he didn't see coming. A bitter and tight smile crossed her face. He was expecting the explosion, but not like this.

"'Hidden agenda,'" she said softly, mulling over his words. He expected her to call him a hypocrite. After all, she would be right. No one knew it better than he did. She took a deep breath. He knew Blair was about to bring something. He just couldn't see anything that she had. Yet.

Her chest rose in a slight harsh laugh. She looked away for a second and shook her head. When their eyes met again, there was a dark harshness there. Nothing he had seen for a while.

"Jack doesn't have a hidden agenda," she said it like a question. Like it was the a ludicrous statement. It didn't make sense to Chuck. Jack loved him. What was Blair talking about? She paused for a moment, obviously trying to find the right words. Chuck couldn't see why.

"You should be with the people you love," she said softly. "If you hadn't asked me not to look for you, I would have scoured the earth for you. I didn't think you would have gone as far as Bagkok, of course. But I would have. Jack saves you so you love him. What if it had been me?" Blair didn't give him time to answer. But she read the look in his eyes.

"Jack doesn't love you. But do you know who does--" Chuck had enough.

"Hold on there, Waldorf." Chuck wasn't sure what Blair was getting at, but he would not have her demean his savior.

"Jack is my uncle. And he did save me. He does love me. And as far as you go--" The atmosphere had suddenly changed. Blair wasn't being careful anymore, and neither was he. Everything changed.

"You think he loves you because he saved you? Because he's _obligated_ to. Your father had an obligation and he treated you like--"

"You don't know anything. And don't even _start_ talking about my father. What makes you think you know me? What makes you think you have the _right_ to even _think _about what's right for me?"

"Because I so know you," Blair was soft again. This did not quiet Chuck's temper however. Chuck took quick strides towards her and grabbed the top of her arms.

"You. Don't," Chuck said in his quiet harsh voice. He was almost positive he saw the beginnning of tears begin to well of in Blair's eyes but she regained her composure just as quickly. She shoved him away. It caught him by surprise. Blair usually went my the code of manipulation, not force. But she was angry again. And he couldn't fathom why.

"You think you know Jack, huh?" her voice was escalating. She was getting fiery and there wasn't a thing that could stop it. It was one of the things he loved most about her. Her fire. But not now. Now... something was different.

"He happens to come back right after your dad dies. Okay. Chuck, he doesn't even come to the funeral to pay his respects to his own _brother_. He comes a _week _before the will is read. He doesn't love you, Chuck. He loves your _money_. He doesn't even live here. He's a vulture. He takes care of you so he can swoop in and take your inheritence."

"Enough," snapped Chuck. "And you do, Blair. Huh? You love me?"

"Yes." Chuck let out a harsh laugh. Blair's eyes really did well up this time.

"I love _you._ I don't want your money. Jack may be your blood, but we, all of your friends, are your family. _I_ am your family."

"Since when?" Chuck spat, taking a swig of scotch directly from the bottle. "Since my father died? Is that when you started to pity me?" Her eyes negated it but Chuck wouldn't have it. She reached for him but he tore away spilling the liquid on himself.

"Jack is here for me. And he's the only one." Chuck couldn't stand looking at her face anymore. He needed to get out. "Stop trying to help me, if that's what you're trying to do," he began. He was breaking ties with Blair right now forever. "It's done." And with that Chuck Bass headed for the door, leaving Blair Waldorf alone in his suite.


	7. Changed

**VII. Changed**

_Consult me in my darkest hours_

_Convince me that the truth is always great_

_Caress me in your velvet chair_

_Conceal me from the ghost you cast away_

_I'm in no hurry_

_You tell all your friends I'm losing touch_

_- Losing Touch_

_-- The Killers_

Blair woke up with her face pressed to cold tiled floor. She heard urgent voiced outside of the bathroom she was now residing in. Of course. She closed her eyes, trying to shut everything out. The voices and everything that happened last night. But his image kept popping into her mind. Her eyes snapped open. Walking outside of those doors would mean being thrown to the lions. When she was just her, no one seemed to notice. At least, no one but one person. But as of right now, he was gone. But when she let her personal life affect her like this, everyone noticed. She never really told anyone, but they seemed to find out. She hoped that they would just think she was turning into a rampid partier. She hoped they hadn't noticed the other components of her failure. Her failure to be his savior, which he obviously wanted. That's why he loved Jack and not her. If she looked for him, maybe...

Blair hated how her body reacted without her consent. She felt the alien tears streak the remnants of last night off her face. She hated how she always cried at the most inopportune moments. She hated how he could make her cry so much with doing so little. She hated how everyone was watching her. And they didn't even know. They thought she was self destructing because of him. Please. Like any _guy_, even... him... would make her act this way. But it was him. And he always drew the most powerful emotions out of her. Anger, sorrow, passion. She had it all. She had it all with him.

And as far as the people on the other side of the door were concerned, she just had a wild night of partying. She would make sure of it. She sat into an upright postion. Not only her head feeling like it was about to split in two, but her joints, back, and arms were sore. She gazed at her reflection in the full length mirror and shuddered.

She was heinous. She looked even worse than last night. That's why he looked away, wasn't it? Because of her atrocious looks. Because of her ugliness. He used to call her beautiful. What did he think of her now? Mascara was streaked down her cheeks and her hair was in a disarray, knotted at the back. She hated how much she looked, she wanted to vomit. But she couldn't look away from her gross other half. She hated how the fat hung off her body, as if that was how it always had been. How could he have called her beautiful when this was the reality?

She looked at her face, how it had contorted into a mask if disgust. She had to right this. She was side tracked when she heard the bell of the elevator. Well that was something. This bathroom was familiar, but she was obviously in a friend's apartment, loft or... suite. She didn't want to think it. Of course it wasn't true. How could he have brought her home when she couldn't even look at her own reflection. Home. That's when she realized where she was. It wasn't a suite. It was an apartment. One where she had been many times before, but not in this way.

"Thank god you're back," Serena's voice came louder from outside the door. Yes, she could see Serena's things all over the countertop of the bathroom now. Scattered like she was looking for something. Probably something to calm Blair's stomach. Blair let a harsh small smile cross her face. Didn't she know that Gingerale was the antedote for an upset stomach? But Blair's stomach wasn't just upset, it was in a rage.

"I found him," Nate's voice came from the other side of the door. Blair pressed her ear against it. Of course there was only one person they could be talking about. It would hurt her to listen, but she had to catch every word of this conversation.

"I didn't say anything, didn't even admit to seeing her... much. But he obviously had. He's hurting too, you know."

"We don't need him anymore," Serena snapped. He was not on good terms with her... not really sure what he was to her anymore. Ex- step- brother? Former-almost friend? None of these made any sense in a normal context. But their lives had been anything but normal.

"We found her."

"Overstatement," came an recently deepened voice. "She made me stay in the car."

"I wasn't gonna let you go in that dive, Eric," Serena retorted her brother quickly. Blair could tell this was taking a toll on her. She deserved it, though, Blair thought nastily at first. Only because Serena had no idea how hard it was to take control of her when she went on her day long partying. But if it wasn't for Serena, who knows where Blair would have ended up. And without Blair, where would Serena be right now?

"How is he?" Eric asked suddenly, quietly.

"Eric," scolded Serena, "he's the reason Blair was vomiting her feelings in the bathroom last night." Blair felt a twinge of guilt. Chuck had nothing to do with this... much. Not like he could get yelled for it, though. On no terms it seemed that Serena would ever forgive Chuck.

"His father's dead," Eric said sympathetically. "He has a right to everything's he's done. At least Blair saw that. He's just lost everything." Eric always saw everything clearly. He saw that Chuck wasn't such a bad person, and Blair really had emotions.

"He's... dealing... with everything in his own way," Nate answered Eric's unanswered question. There was a pause and Nate added, "he can't even talk about her. He really is hurt. He really thinks that Blair's... different. That what she's doing isn't a cry for help." Blair wanted to scoff at Nate's evaluation. He never really did get it. That was one of the reasons... She really had to stop doing this. Driving herself to think of him. But she missed him. At least in that suite when he was yelling at her, he was there. He was coherent and he cared about something. At least he saw her.

He would have understood that it wasn't a cry for help. She was taking a cue from him. Go down deep enough, nothing can come up. She just had to go deeper.

"Where did you find her?" Nate suddenly asked.

"It doesn't really matter. Somewhere I never want to go again."

"I can't believe this is happening again," Nate said. There was an awkward silence. No one wanted to go back to the days where the Old Serena ran wild. Blair was always there. She knew how to take care of Serena. The only other person who knew how to take care of situations like these was... unavailable.

There was another ding from the elevator and more footsteps. Blair's hopes ran high for a whole 2 seconds. Not him. She had to tell herself everytime this happened. No. It was very far from him.

"...Hi..." said an awkward voice.

"I'm so glad you're here," Serena greeted the dry vioce. Ew. Why would Serena bring him into this? It was all Blair could do but leave her sanctuary, scars and all, and yell at him to leave. Why was he here. What good had Dan Humphrey ever done anyone. When it was Serena, they kept him out of it. He wouldn't understand. Too much judement. Blair brought her knees to her chest, rested her chin on them and listened harder.

"You told Aaron?" Serena asked. Wow. Awkward. Why bring the ex-boyfriend in the middle of the current one? Blair couldn't really protest, though. It's what was happening to her right now. Then her stomach dropped. Aaron, she realized. Aaron, my current step brother who is currently dating my best friend who is currently completely aware of my internal problems. Serena didn't know enough, though. Even if Eleanor did find out, because Aaron would obviously tell his father, there was no hard evidence that Blair was back to her old ways. She doubted Serena even knew. And Nate had no chance of finding out. The only one smart enough was Eric. She hoped she could trust him enough for her to get out of this situation.

"Yeah, just like you asked," Dan replied. Ew. Sending the ex- boyfriend to tell the current boyfriend about your deteriorating best friend. Bad move. Even Blair, who was completely blinded when it came to relationships, would never pull that kind of thing.

"Do you think that's a good idea," Nate asked hastily. Way to come to the game late. Its way too late now to stop it, but nice catch.

"If Eleanor had enough reason she could send her to France."

"Maybe that's what she needs," said Serena. The ultimate betrayal. Send Blair away? After everything she had done to protect Serena? No. Never. She wouldn't allow it. If she was sent away things would get a lot worse. For... him, especially. Even if he didn't believe her yet, he would soon. Blair could see right through Jack Bass. And no one was going to hurt her family. Even if she was getting hurt in the process.

Blair slowly stood, wincing at the sore spots on her body. She faced the mirror again. Her dirty dress hung awkwardly off her strange frame. She couldn't help but stare at it. She _had _changed. Just, not in the way they thought she had. She suddenly realized she had a jacket last night. She had to cover the pigment change on her skin, where was it? Had Serena seen how much Blair's body had changed? No, things would be different. She would be awake and outside talking about it right now.

Blair vowed that they would never know the problems she was experiencing. She wasn't listening to the change in the conversation outside the bathroom anymore. She just stared at the bruises and scarring on her body, vowing that she would do anyting to protect herself and him, even if that meant shutting herself down.


	8. Emptied

**IIX. Emptied**

_When I play survival_

_You say it's hard enough to live_

_It's not so bad, it's not so bad_

_How do you know that you're right_

_I woke on the roadside_

_In the land of the free ride_

_I can't pull it any longer_

_The sun is beating down my neck_

_- Bling (Confessions of a King)_

_--The Killers_

Blair shivered on her bathroom floor. Her ripped sleeve kept sliding down her arm. She tried to right it, but the cold was getting to her. She grabbed the neck of the half empty vodka bottle that leaned against her leg. She took another full swig and swallowed the harsh clear liquid down. Eleanor never really used to notice when Blair raided the liquor cabinet. She hoped blissful marriage hadn't changed that.

Blair let out a hysterical laugh at that. No one was there to hear. Eleanor and Cyrus were out and Dorota wouldn't dare inturrupt Blair's breakdown. There was a time when Blair actually thought about marriage. Like it was something in the future that would actually happen. That future was gone now, Blair was sure of it. Even at her mother's wedding, Blair had thought of it. Fleetingly, but thought of it. It seemed perfect. She cried, and right at the moment when Dorota informed her that Chuck was in fact in her bedroom at that very moment. It seemed perfect. Chuck had come on the exact night of her mother's wedding. How naiive she had been. That night she held Chuck for the first time and it seemed right. He hugged her back. It was the most candid that they had ever been with each other. Now all of that was gone. Now Blair had downed almost an entire bottle of vodka in one sitting after seeing Chuck almost fall off a roof after they had the biggest fight that they had ever had. She needed to know that he was alright. She should have known Jack would beat her to it. She should have known he was waiting. She should have known that predator would catch her off gaurd.

Blair shakily rose to her feet and placed the glass bottle on the countertop of her bathroom. She stared at her reflection. Tonight she had been perfect. She had finally made the dicision to finally win Chuck back, even though he was resistant. She almost had him. If only she could have kept her thoughts to herself. She was so stupid. She should have known that she couldn't have told him everything. She should have known he would have been prone to overreaction, especially after the death of his only living parent.

Overreaction. After the incident of the roof, she knew he would never come back to her. Instead she listened to the stubborn part of her self and went after him. Again. Hadn't she learned her lesson before? Hadn't she learned it after she ran after him at his father's funeral. How horrible that had turned out. Look where they were. But Blair had taken care of herself. Like she always had. Tonight would be the first night of her relapse. But it was warranted. After what she had been through tonight, what else could she do.

Blair arched her head, looking in her mirror. Her hair was pulled away from her face. She was ready. For the first time in ages, she knew what she had to do. She narrowed her eyes at her shrewd relfection. Already she looked sickly. Like she knew people would notice eventually. She looked at the marks on her neck that matched perfectly with Jack Bass's hands. She beat her eyelashes together, trying to rid herself of the images.

That's what the vodka is for. She took another swig. Take another drink, another thought, another memory disappears with it. Until her dreams make her face her fears. Sharp flashes clouded her mind. Not even the strong alcohol could rid her of it. His hot scotch smelling breath on her face. She tried to resist. She wasn't as strong as she thought. Chuck... it was getting harder to think his name... always made her feel that way. Strong. Resistant. And she had betrayed him. With his 30 year old uncle. He would never forgive her. And she didn't expect him to. She just had to bury herself deeper. Take it from... Chuck... bury yourself and no one can find you. Not even your demons. At least... that was what she was trying to convince herself. But he just kept coming at her.

Compared to his uncle, Chuck wasn't a problem drinker. _Jack _was a problem. One that she was going to keep hidden. She touched her ripped sleeve and the images came screaming back. Her screams. Or her attempts. He knew that it would kill her if Chuck heard. Chuck, sleeping off his drunken mishap in the very next room. Chuck, the man she knew completely. The one she knew had accepted her every way when no one else had. The one that never would again. The only man she would ever love again, and she knew it. The only man she had truly loved.

Jack didn't need to cover her mouth. She kept as quiet as possible, trying not to alert tragedy in the next room. She eyed her ripped sleeve. It wasn't the only thing he tore. He tore the flesh of her neck and arms. He destroyed her heart. She was empty now. No doubt about that. No emotions, no conscience. All gone.

She fingered she bruises that were already blooming on her neck that looked like fingers grasping. Fingers clenching her stomach. Fingers that wold leave her marked forever. The red splotches would turn to bruises by morning, Blair was confident. That's the only thing she knew anymore. Later, she would empty her closets of all her short wardrobe. No short skirts or shorts. No short dresses or blouses. Countless designer brands thrown away. She let out another hysterical chuckle and leaned her forhead against the mirror. This was what she was thinking of when she had just been... violated. Dark and haunted eyes stared back at her from her reflection. She couldn't shut them out of her head.

Later, she would convince her friends she just had a bad night. Too much to drink. True, but not for the reasons they thought. She would take care of everything, like she always did. Later, she woud be composed and poised like she always was.

She would do it later, when she had time for such rituals. But for now, she was just going to be weak. Weak and alone, like she was for such a long time. For now, she just emptied the contents of her stomach.


	9. Informed

**IX. Informed**

_This is the world that we live in_

_I feel myself get tired_

_This is the world that we live in_

_Well maybe I was mistaken_

_I heard a rumor that you quit this day and age_

_Maybe I was mistaken_

_- The World We Live In_

_-- The Killers_

Jack wasn't home. Home was such a loose definition. Chuck had always lived in this suite, but with the two of them living there it made it almost like a real home. But that wasn't right at all. No, the constant drinking and women coming in and out of this place... it wasn't right at all. But it was enought for now. Blair was wrong. His stomach twisted at her name. He didn't like thinking it, but there it was. Always in the back of him mind. As if his mind wasn't connected to him. When he wasn't controlling himself, there was nothing he could do but think of her. But it made him sick. He had to constantly tell himself that she was wrong. How could Jack be using him?

That day was a twist of Fate. He wasn't sure what was going on, but it seemed almost as if some higher power was urging him in one direction. Because at the same moment, four things occurred. Four things occurred that if they hadn't at this exact moment... things would just be a lot different.

First, Chuck was sober. For once. He met Nate in the bar when he should have been drinking. He wasn't drinking, he walked last night's alcohol off on the way home. His head was clear for the first time in days.

Second, Chuck was thinking of Blair. For once. The first time he actually let himself think of her clearly. And it sickened him. He thought of the way she used to be and how she was now. They were like two different people. And he was still in love with the former one.

Third, Chuck found something that he was not supposed to. He leaned back on the couch and flipped on the television. Charade was on. Figures. He propped his feet on the coffee table and knocked something over. Legal documents. Nothing he could read of course, but he did spot his name.

Fourth, he got a fateful text. And since all of these things correlated he decided to do something that he would not have done previously.

He called the limo and set off.

He usually would not get caught in Brooklyn, but this was most important. He walked into the diner/ coffehouse/ restaurant mixture he could not put a name to. He knew he was sober when he thought snidely of Brooklyn trying to be innovative. He sat at the bar that did not serve drinks. This was going to a great start.

He looked to his right where the source of the text came from. He owed the young person this much. They were the closest. Chuck had never had a brother. And neither had Eric.

"Thanks for coming," Eric was afraid to look at him. Chuck wouldn't explode at him like he did at the funeral, though. Eric never deserved it. If he could apologize, Chuck would. Chuck nodded at him. Eric finally turned his head to him. His eyes were screwed up in what seemed like remorse.

"I owed you this much to come down here."

"No," Eric inturrupted, "I owe you everything. I'm... sane because of you." Chuck just looked down at the bar.

"I don't blame you for anything," Eric promised. "But this isn't really what this is about." Chuck started.

"I'm sorry to have to bring you down here like this, but its necessary. I know you don't want to talk about her--"

"You spoke to Nate," It wasn't a question.

"Nate was just trying to find her. Against Serena's wishes, but he knew if anyone had seen her, it would have been you. But we found her first. We were lucky we did. God knows what could have happened. It's like... before Serena left. Except worse."

"She was missing," Chuck realized. Nate wasn't pressing him for information about his private life. He wasn't going to ask what happened. He didn't need to know. He needed distance.

"I know you're a good person. No one knows it better than I do. That's why I have to tell you something. You're right. Blair isn't the same. But it's not about you. At all, actually." Chuck looked doubtfully at his lost brother. Eric nodded.

"No one else knows. I haven't told anyone else. Serena sees what she wants to see. And honestly, Nate would never guess. He couldn't. But Blair isn't just partying. She isn't partying at all, actually."

"Didn't look that way from where I was standing."

"So you did see her." Chuck smiled grimly at Eric. He was so innocent, but wise in ways too. He always saw the truth.

"She's in trouble. She knew I figured it out. That is, before she escaped." Chuck raised an eyebrow.

"I thought you said you found her," Chuck didn't know why he was becoming indignant, but things were suddenly becoming clear. And he didn't know how or why.

"Escaped is actually the wrong word. I promised her I wouldn't tell anyone. But I think she was just refering to the people who were actually keeping tabs on her. She wasn't even thinking of you when we talked. So I didn't see her leave. We found her... but we lost her. She's in for more trouble than we realized. We thought she was just drinking. But she's in for some serious problems." Chuck wasn't keeping up. He was still wondering why Blair felt the need to run.

"You... _lost_... her?" Chuck didn't like where this was going, but it was going.

"Why is she running," asked Chuck. "What happened."

"Serena and everyone else don't know. She knew that she could trust me, or more hoped that she could. And I know I can trust you too. You won't go running to Serena."

"What happened," Chuck asked again. It wasn't that he was concerned or anything. But he hated being in the dark. He needed to know.

"Blair has had a... relapse." There was a stunned silence. Eric said Nate didn't know. Of course he wouldn't. Too involved in his own family and being in love with Serena to realize that his own girl friend was having problems of her own. Especially when her father left. Especially when Serena left. Serena was one of the main reasons of Blair's condition, but she was still her best friend. Chuck had noticed when no one else had. But Blair didn't know that.

"Chuck. You know that she's--" Eric didn't know if Chuck knew or not.

"Yes. I know," Chuck said quietly.

"I don't know what's happening. But something definitely is. Even if Serena and Nate don't see it." Chuck could not get involved.

"She's relapsed," said Chuck. "She's relapsed... because of me. That's what this is about, isn't it?" Eric was stricken with surprise.

"I'm not blaming you for anything."

"I know you're not, but that's how this is. I hurt her and she thinks she's being in control by... hurting herself again."

"You don't know that," Eric protested.

"But it's true," Chuck reasoned. "That's why I can't be here anymore. That's why I left in the first place. She can't be around me. I'm... unhealthy for her. This is proof. So I'm gone. I tried to distance myself, but it wasn't enough. I have to physically take myself out of this situation. Out of here."

"Chuck--" protested Eric.

"She's at her house," Chuck informed Eric as he got up to leave. "She was running away from Serena and Nate finding out, not the whole institution. You'll find her there." Eric let him go. Chuck had helped. That was the point.

Chuck climbed into the back of the limo picking up the documents on the seat. The one that had his full name in it. The one that mentioned his inheritence. He was going back to the suite.


	10. Connection

**X. Connection**

_The emotion, it was electric_

_And the stars, they all alligned_

_I knew I had to make my decision_

_But I never made the time_

_- I Can't Stay_

_-- The Killers_

Nate was oblivious, of course. But could he be anymore obvious? His girlfriend had been in the bathroom for an extended period of time and here he was, lamenting on how amazing Serena was. If Chuck hadn't seen them together at the Shephard Wedding, he would have totally guessed that they had gotten together. But it didn't help that Nate was drunk.

Chuck sighed, bored, as usual. Usually when he, Nate, and Blair went out together like this, he would play his manipulation game with her. Ever since the dissappearance of Serena, they had gotten very close. If she were any other girl, Chuck would have tried to come onto her a lot sooner. But she wasn't. She was just Blair. It slightly annoyed him that Nate couldn't see what was right in front of him. Blair had twice the brain capacity that Serena had. She never wore her emotions on her sleeve... except for moments like these. He found himself looking for her. He wished she would return. But she probably wouldn't be much fun tonight. She could see how Nate was acting weird. Chuck was surprised she hadn't broken up with him already. With Nate not being fun anymore, Blair had literally become his best friend.

She understood him. And Chuck actually found it amusing, the pasttime of destroying Constance Billard girls which Blair so enjoyed. Not tonight. She would snap if anyone would even look at her wrong. Chuck turned from his perch looking at the bathroom, back to the bar.

That's when he saw his first conquest in a long time. She was eyeing him the way the desperate old woman usually eyed Upper East Sider, Chuck Bass. He smirked at her as she got up and passed him. But he got the message. He followed her past the bathrooms. The door opened slightly and he saw Blair scrutinizing her reflection in the mirror. She looked skinny but highly unhappy. He had forgotten completely about the other woman as Blair looked a final time in the mirror and emerged, eyes finally meeting Chuck.

She thrust up her chin, bracing herself for another verbal sparring with him. He wasn't going to test her tonight, but she provoked him.

"What?" she asked, "desperate tourists not enough to capture Chuck Bass's attention tonight?" Chuck smirked again.

"As much as Nate captures yours when there's a mirror to look at." Blair raised her eyebrows at him. He laughed and looked at the ground for a second. This was their signal for a truce. He could tell Blair had enough even though her cold mask was in place. She straightened her skirt uncomfortably suddenly. She wasn't just unhappy, she was sad. He had noticed her outfit as soon as the limo picked her up. She was obviously trying to get Nate to notice. He hadn't even looked at her all night.

Chuck wished he could make her feel better. She didn't deserve Nate's treatment of her. He wasn't about to tell his best friend's girl friend that his best friend had cheated on her with her best friend. No matter how much he cared for Blair, there was still a code of honor among guys. But there was something he could do.

"By the way," Chuck placed his hand on her opposite shoulder and leaned into her ear, whispering huskily into her ear, "that skirt does look exeptionally cut on you tonight. I can almost look up it." He felt a hard thrust into his chest curtesy of Blair's elbow. He coughed. Blair could pack a hell of a punch. But as he looked down at her, smirking, he did see a small smile cross her face. He walked with her back to the bar. Nate didn't look up. He had been apparently telling the bartender about his rich boy problems. The bartender looked like he could use a drink.

Blair sat between Chuck and Nate, thankfully, not hearing his rant. Chuck eyed her pointedly and she swatted him playfully. Their eyes locked and that was when he felt something that he could not explain, but would soon become accustomed to in the next year. Something that only Blair could do to him.


	11. Intrusion

**XI. Intrusion**

_Make it go away without a word_

_But promise me you'll stay and fix these things I've heard_

_Make it go away_

_-Midnight Show_

_--The Killers_

Blair looked at her reflection. The mascara streaks were gone. She fixed her hair and she had put no new clothes that didn't have the distinctive smell of cheap alcohol. She smoothed back her hair but she knew no matter how much she composed herself, no matter how much she took special care about her appearance, like she always had, she still wouldn't look how she used to. She knew she looked sickly. Not to mention the ever present disgust she had with her appearance.

She forced herself to look at the other components of the change in her. She traced the scar of a rampid shard of glass from a scotch bottle that lined the side of her neck. She usually didn't look this close at herself. It made her have serious flashbacks and she couldn't handle that without drink in hand.

But she forced herself to look at her changes. She couldn't let this happen again, but she knew it would. But it was her fault, she tried to beat into her brain. It was her fault. It was her fault that she was driving everyone away from her. Her fault that she couldn't save him. The advances were her fault. Because if it wasn't her fault, who was it? No ones. She was disgusting. It was a constant anthem in her head, but it was true. She had nothing anymore.

She heard hasty feet up the stairs. Dorota didn't walk like that. And they were alone. Someone else was here. She threw a jacket over the imperfections of her flesh. Forever hiding herself from the world.

But Dorota did appear in her doorway. Blair held the jacket tighter around her body.

"Miss Blair, I'm sorry," she began. There was a look of tangible fear crossing her face. Not the kind of look when Blair yells at her to put on more flour for a pie, but a legitimate fear. A fear for Blair. She looked behind her at the visitor. The visitor she had obvisously tried to stop from ascending the stairs.

Jack Bass threw her his stomach churning smile. Blair stiffened. She had come back to her house because no one was supposed to find her here. She wanted to suffer in silence. But he had found her. He passed Dorota into her room. He looked pointedly back at her, like he wanted her leave. Of course he did.

Blair couldn't find any words. Dorota fixed that.

"I'll be right outside," Dorota said protectively. The door closed, and Dorota was probably listening to every word, but Blair had never felt more alone. Jack looked around. He had been to the Waldorf Penthouse before, but never her room. It made Blair feel vulnerable.

He walked to her mirror where all her make-up lay sprawled out over the desk. He picked a random item up and examined it. Disgusting. But if it was one thing Blair was good at, it was hiding her emotions. She put her cold mask in place before he looked up at her again. She tilted her chin up, signaling she wasn't afraid. But in reality, she had never been more afraid in her life.

He put it down and leaned against the table, crossing his arms across his chest, a thoughtful expression across his face. He smiled again, sending shivers down Blair's spine.

"Now, Blair," he began, his tone like when scolding a child, "I think we have a problem." Blair had no idea what he was talking about, but she didn't like it when he said _we_. She let a spiteful expression cross her face. She hoped he was fooled. She knew only one person who wouldn't be. But she vowed never to think his name again because she knew she was just going to hurt him again.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Blair said convincingly.

"No, I think you do," Jack responded. "You haven't by any chance gone back on our agreement, now have you?" Of course she hadn't. She would never jeopardize anything she held so dear as to go back. But she didn't like his word _agreement_. It had been more like a threat.

"Why would I do that?" Blair asked. She would have been intruiged if she didn't feel like death inside.

"Oh, I don't know," Jack said, stepping closer. Blair stood rooted to the spot, afraid to make any movements. "Maybe you thought you could alert him. Save him, maybe. But I think we're all past that now."

"Considering he doesn't even want to talk to me, I don't see how I could have told him anything."

"Then why, I wonder, were some of my legal documents missing this morning and my beloved nephew along with them?"

"I don't know. I haven't seen him since..." Blair didn't want to think about the painful memories of the night before.

"Well I hope for your sake that's true," Jack was right in front of her now. "Because you know what will happen if Chuck happens to get wise."

"He wouldn't listen to me anyway," Blair spat harshly.

"No, I don't suppose he would," mused Jack. "Not after that stunt you pulled that got him on that roof in the first place." That bit Blair where she had thought she had buried it. She thought she buried her emotions deep enough that that wouldn't sting her. She was wrong. Because, yes, that was her fault too. It was her fault that he almost had all his brains splattered all over the pavement.

"And you know the power that I have," Jack touched the scar on Blair's neck. She jerked away that spawned a laugh from him. "You know the power that I am going to get and not only Chuck, but what I can do to you as well." With that he threw her one last amused glance and left her alone with Dorota staring after him, at the stairs, where she obviously had not heard a word. Blair sank into her bed and and shook with a mixture of fear, coldness, regret, and sorrorw.


	12. Revelation

**XII. Revelation**

_I got this feeling that they're gonna break down the door_

_I got this feeling that they're gonna comeback for more_

_See I'm thinking that I lost my mind_

_But its been getting to me all this time_

_Don't start dragging me down_

_-Tranquilize_

_--The Killers_

"I hope you're waiting for me," Blair looked up at the confident voice. She should have been ready. She should have known that he would be here. She should have been prepared. She should have more alcohol in her sytem than the one gin martini while she was waiting. She sat in the hotel bar below the Basses suite. But she didn't want to be drunk. She was waiting for someone else, and she couldn't bee drunk for that.

But instead, she just looked up into the face of Jack Bass. Wrong one. Wrong Bass. Wrong everything. She self consciously touched her currently black and blue ribs.

"And I hoped the pressure of taking care of a deteriorating self dustructive teenager was getting to you. We all suffer dissapointments," Blair retaliated.

"You know he won't see you, so why would you even bother?" Jack asked smugly. Blair eased off her chair and glared at him right in the face.

"Because I see right through you. And even though Chuck may not believe me, I will never give up." Jack's confident smile wavered.

"I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Not sure enough. Because I am going to take you down, and there's not a thing you can do to stop it."

"There are a lot of things, actually," Jack's smile was back in place. "Some of which, I've already done," he touched her ribs. Blair winced away. "And what will my beloved nephew think of you having a secret meeting with his uncle. I don't know if you've noticed, but he can get pretty paranoid when he thinks everyone's against him. I own you."

"And how's that?" No one insulted Blair's control over the situation. "Even if Chuck does find out, his faith in you will be completely destroyed. You don't have anything."

"You've forgotten my control of the situation." Blair felt her mask begin to fall away. She shouldn't have underestimated Jack's technique. He was a Bass, after all. "You scared yet? Because I'm willing to bet you don't have as much power as you say you do. Sure, you may be on top of destroying little high school girls, but I am incontrol of all the Bass assets. You think you can manipulate me into giving something away. But here's your problem, little girl. My nephew is so gone right now, he has no idea what's going on. He won't realize that I have taken all of his money until it's too late and he has nothing. And you obviously don't care about the problems this is causing your body, but something tells me why you are so involved in my and my family's affairs. If you tell him, if he gets any wind of something amiss, I will send him away. You will never see him again, no one will. And God knows what wold happen to him if he were to disappear." Blair breathed in a sharp breath. Her fear was too great for her to feel the satisfaction of guessing Jack's game. Jack backed away, about to return to his suite. But as he left, he spoke. "So you see, I _do _own you. You have to do everything I say. Or Chuck's gone forever." And with a satisfied smirk, he turned on his heel and left Blair standing awkwardly at the bar.

Chuck would never know. She couldn't speak to him again, or he would guess. He always could read her emotions like that. Only one way to keep it buried. She had already started the process, but she knew now everything was gone. There was no one she could turn to. All she had was herself and self loathing. She was alone. But it was better to be surrounded by people and alone than truly alone by yourself. So she headed to the club down the street.


	13. Manipulated

**XIIV. Manipulated**

_You sit there in your heart ache_

_Waiting on some beautiful boy to_

_To save you from your old ways_

_You play forgiveness_

_Watching now, here he comes_

_He doesn't look a thing like Jesus_

_But he_

_Talks like a gentleman_

_Like you imagined when you_

_Were young_

_-When You Were Young_

_--The Killers_

Chuck never saw himself clearly. But today was different. Today he came to realize something that he was hiding from everyone. Hiding from himself. He was in love with the most perfect angel that had ever existed. He was in love with her which was killing her. He knew it. He was killing her. But something was killing him at the same time. He was finally thinking clearly for the first time.

He hadn't looked at his reflection since him father's funeral. He wondered if this was how he looked the whole time. He looked at himself in awe. Calling his hair dissheveled was a compliment. His eyes were rimmed with red and there too many wrinkles in his wardrobe to count. He remembered the time when he actually cared about his appearance. One time especially. One day when she came home, when he was going to give himself to her, but he was too late. Three months too late. Too late to catch her on the bus. He caught her on the bus, just with another man. He cared about his appearance for her. But now, all he saw was a demon. Was this what she saw?

He always had the confidence, the superiority that he saw in her face many times. But it was for naught. Deep down he knew he was worthless. He was worthless without her. His father hated him, and his uncle... He didn't even know. He didn't know anything anymore. Except for one simple, obvious fact. There was no one for him but her. No matter where that took him or what happened to her, if it destroyed him, it was the one simple truth that he could no longer deny.

He knew that this was what connected Blair and him, really. Outside they were so different. He was a womanizer, she was pure. She was cold, he was spiteful. But it was underneath, the part that no one saw that really connected them. They were completely and utterly perfect for each other underneath. It was knowledge that united them. Knowledge of each other and the truth. It was underneath that made him love her. No one saw her true beauty. They saw the prim and propper Upper East Sider. They didn't hear the things she said when they were alone. They didn't see her perfection. No one really saw her for who she truly was. Except him. And it was this simple truth that would lead him to him next action.

It didn't matter that she didn't love him anymore, or even ever did. All that mattered was after today, he wouldn't hurt anymore. He was going to do the thing that he never had the courage to do. He never had the courage to stay away from her. He convinced himself leaving her was the right thing to do. And it was. But he had to fully complete the action. Staying this close to her was killing her. And he wouldn't do that to her anymore. He was too selfish to stay away from her. But now that her life was on the line, he knew he only had one option. After, of course, he found the truth. She said she loved him when she brought his world crashing around his ears that night. The night that something else happened, something else that he hadn't allowed himself to think about. But, if she was right, then he could be strong. Finally, be strong for her. He could finally leave her. As much as it saddened him, he looked forward to the day when he could look her full in her beautiful face and be happy because he knew that she was better off with whoever she was with.

If she was right, he could be strong. Strong enough to actually say to her face that he loved her now and forever, whether she accepted that or not. He loved her unconditionally, no matter how her looks changed, or how much her biting comments about his "family" hurt. She would always bet he same beautiful, smart, scheming woman he had fallen in love with more than a year ago.

But he had to find the truth. He had prided himself on seeing deep into people's souls, the way only Blair could see into his. He was blinded by love, or what he thought was love. He was blinded by someone he thought loved him. Really, he had already made the decision, he knew it, but it had to be confirmed. He thought Jack had taken care of him that night. Not just the night he returned from Bangkok, but the night on that roof. But really, hadn't it always been Blair? He had been fading on that plane, but she had appeared to him. An apparition that had saved his life. And it wasn't the first time. She took care of him, always. She held him the night of the funeral. When he had forsaken everything else. When he announced to everyone that he had no family. She was always there. She slept next to him on her bed, never speaking, just watching over him. It hurt to think about, knowing it would never happen again. Because, how could she love him after everything he had put her through? He had mentally tortured her and yelled at her. How could she love him after he called her a liar? After Jack called her a liar. That's what he remembered about that night. He had hurt her too much.

He picked up the files that were sprawled across his desk. He would do this for her. He owed her that much.

__

Silently reflection turns my world to stone

Patiently correction leaves us all alone

Sometimes I'm a travel man but tonight this engine's failing

-Tranquilize

--The Killers

The city was beautiful from up here. Chuck seemed to always hae a skewed vision of beauty, from what other people told him, but this, he was sure, was beautiful. He remembered when he got girls to come up here with him and the one time that backfired where instead of getting laid, he got a black eye. But he hadn't done anything like that since... Awhile.

Chuck took another swig from a bottle that he couldn't read. The letters all blurred together. But it buried his emotions. It served its purpose.

He didn't want to entertain the thought that Blair could actually be right. But then again, wasn't she always. The one constant in his life. Whether he liked it or not. She had said so when he left her behind. And she was always right. Always. She told him that she loved him. Again. And he rejected her. Again. She called him family and she was right. Again. Since when _had _Jack been there for him? It seemed like it was always Bart who had been there for Jack. Loaning him money whenever he had problems. Drugs, legal issues, his father was there. And here he was, didn't even come to the funeral, "taking care" of Chuck. Chuck didn't like to think of himself as a chore. He didn't need anyone to take care of him. He was Chuck Bass. He made his own way. He did what he wanted, when he wanted, who he wanted. But right now, he wanted Blair. He needed her. If anyone was to take care of him, he would choose her. Everytime.

That was it. It was that simple. She was it. He would go to her. She needed no explanation. She was Blair Waldorf. She would understand. That was her. He would do the most heinous thing, and she would tell him, and with one look into his eyes, she would see eternity. She would see his regret, his sorrow, she would see the truth. The way no one else could. No one else had. Except her.

He smiled at himself. He took a final swig. Or tried to. Nothing left. Hadn't it been full when he came up to this roof? Bad sign, when he didn't even recognize the signs that he was completely gone. He heard outraged voices. Actually, one outraged voice, one calm one. He smiled again. He could recognize that pitch anywhere, no matter what his blood alcohol level was. She was here. Finally coming for him. Finally disgregarding everything, and looking for him. And finding him.

He finally realized that she did truly love him. Not out of pity. Not regret. Pure, unconditional love. But he had forgotten the second voice. He should have regocnized that pitch as well. It was the pitch that he shared at times. A low husky voice that belonged to his uncle. His uncle who was ripping him off. Anger ripped through him as he caught the sight of the two of them. But it wasn't the anger he should have had, would have had, if he wasn't totally and completely drunk.

Blair. Jack. Together. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. She was supposed to be here to comfort him. Alone. Not with his uncle in tow, a possessive hand _on her neck_. He leaned over the edge slightly to get a better look at it. It looked like Jack was trying to calm her down, but their body language was all wrong.

Or at least, that's what it looked like from Chuck's angle and drunken state of mind. Jack looked up seeing the crazed glint in Chuck's eye. Blair broke off the suffocating contact and hit the door to the building. She would soon emerge from the stairs to the roof. Jack never broke his gaze away. Chuck glared down at him. He didn't think that Jack could see him. And that's when three things happened at once.

Blair burst through the roof door, Chuck slid on the side of the roof, and Jack yelled up to him. Chuck had miscalculated how far he was to the edge. The slamming of the door startled him. Chuck's vision began to swim. Colors he had never seen before clouded his vision as he swayed dangerously towards the side of the building. Sounds seemed far away and Chuck felt as light as air. He thought he heard a far away gasp.

"No," a female's high pitched voice should have rang loud and clear in his head but instead seemed like at was moving farther and farther away at a high pitched speed. All of a sudden he felt a presence at his side and heightened breath in his ear.

"Chuck," Blair's frantic voice actually did ring loud and clear in his head now.

"No," he tried to savagely push her away but stumbled. If she hadn't been standing right next to him, holding tight to his jacket around the waist, he most definitely would have tumbled to his death. Instead, he stumbled drunkenly away from danger. He propelled Blair a few feet to his right as he skidded across the roof.

"Chuck, come on," Blair's soothing voice tried to calm him. She knew what it was like to be in a situation where you didn't know how you got there. Countless numbers of times she was being worried over, over impending doom. And she knew the last thing you wanted was being yelled at. Yelled at for being so stupid, for being so drunk, for almost killing yourself. She knew that in times of great danger and pain, all you wanted was to be taken care of. Chuck knew what was going through her head, which made him all the more angry.

"No," he spat again. He felt that she was there but her features were all blurred. His vision was unfocused and he couldn't see anything.

"Let's just get off this roof and back to--"

"I don't need you taking care of me!," he shouted in her general direction. "I don't need you, I don't want you. I don't need anything or anyone. I'm Chuck Bass!" He yelled to the street. His clumsiness took hold of him again as he stumbled towards the edge of the roof again. The bottle slid from his grip and with a defeaning crash, hit the sidewalk below. He didn't hear the shriek of fear for his life emmiting from Blair. He didn't see the bottle hadn't hit Jack, because Jack wasn't down there anymore. He didn't hear the door to the roof slam open again. He didn't here Jack tell Blair to get the hell out of here, before she almost killed someone else. He didn't hear Blair screaming at Jack that he was ruining everything, he was poisoning Chuck. And he most definitely did not hear the hard crush of the contact of flesh against Blair's face. All he did see was only Jack. Only Jack was standing on the roof, begging him to come down so they could go home. Blair was gone, not taking care of him like he thought. She didn't care about him. She never did.

Chuck stumbled through the door of the suite. His world was spinning but at least he could hear voices clearly and was not falling at random intervals. He stumbled through the door of his room and fell onto his bed. His pillow covered the entrance to his nose and mouth. Probably a risky move, in retrospect, but even if he had considered it seriously, it would have solved a lot of problems.

This constant pain he felt in his shriveled but everpresent heart would go away. His brain would stop projecting images of her constantly. His stomach would stop twisting excitingly every time he saw her. Every time he thought of her, smelled her scent or felt her fingers on his elbow, begging him not to leave her. Her perfect voice proclaiming her feelings about him. Her deep eyes emitting emotions she would never actually admit she had. Emotions that only he could read. Emotions that she saw in his eyes too, ones that he rejected so he would stop feeling this way.

He missed how it used to be. How the only emotions he had were shallow pleasure and the thrill of the chase. The confidence when he saw women older and younger eyeing him. But after that first night, everything changed for him. He had new subemotions that he could not even define. That people said were common but had only felt for one person.

Nate used to tell him how Blair made him feel, or more commonly, Serena. But Chuck felt like it was bull. Nate's explanations couldn't hold a candle to what he was feeling. The emotions he treasured when he was around her and even the pain that he felt when he looked into her heartbroken eyes.

If he just stayed where he was, he could finish it all. Maybe if he just could have finished the job five minutes ago, he would never have to feel this way again. But there were two sides to it. He would never feel that exquisite pain, but he would also never feel the intense joy it was when she was by his side. When her laughter, only meant for him, echoed all around him. When he let himself feel that way, because he knew it was right.

So he rolled onto his back because he knew life without Blair, was far worse than the ever present agony he felt when life was with Blair. When he was with Blair. She would never know, because he was pretty sure he had ruined everything forever. Again.

That's when he noticed his uncle who had helped him into his bed was still standing there. Chuck was all very confused and knew his uncle would get to his point eventually. Like Chuck always did.

"So. Since when did you have the sudden urge to jump off building rooves?" Chuck thought about that question for all of two seconds. The answer was never, but it occurred to him that if he had ended up splattered all over that pavement, that's not what the general population of the Upper East Side would think. They would think he was depressed because of this father's death and tried to off himself. He hoped that Blair would get the credit for trying to save him. Despite his blow up at her, he knew she was trying to help him, his emotions were just out of whack. One minute he would be trying to destroy his step mother after some information had just come to light, and the next he would be in the arms of the only girl he had or ever would love. Crying, no less. He didn't mind it. In front of her. But he was certain he would never let another human being see him cry.

Jack took his silence the right way. Chuck Bass was not suicidal. Or at least, not in a serious way.

"Well you're lucky I was up there to save you," Jack said nonchalontely. What? Blair was the one who burst up on that roof and pulled him back, took his anger the way she always could. They way other people would cringe if his wrath got that close.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Chuck had an overly confusing impending hangover and Jack was not making it any easier.

"Your 'friend' back there almost got you killed. You were lucky I was there to stop that."

"Blair pulled me back..." Chuck trailed off. He wasn't so sure anymore. He had just downed a bottle of some unkown substance. Had he had a hallucination. It wouldn't have been the first time involving Blair.

"She slammed that door. She tried to get you to fall off. Probably bitter about how you rejected that bitch." Chuck hadn't rejected her... that much. And bitch was a word often associated with Blair Waldorf. And she had been called worse. Chuck had just come to a conclusion about his feelings for Blair but his mind was slowly changing. It _was _the door slam that startled him stumbling.

"Blair... tried to..." Chuck didn't want to believe it.

"What exactly did she say to you that made you go up there? That was why you went up there, wasn't it?" Chuck thought back. She _had _driven him to leave. And she was the one to chase him further than he ought to have gone.

"She said..." Chuck tried to find the words. "She said that you wanted my father's money. That that's the only reason you came here." Jack let out a harsh laugh.

"She's bitter, obviously. That whore is trying to get the better of you, Chuck. Don't let her. Who came here to take care of you? Who came and rescued you from that hell of a step mother?" Jack was right. Blair hadn't even _tried _to find him. Despite his best efforts to make her seem in a good light, Chuck realized the truth. She had always meant to cause him pain. It didn't make too much sense. What would she gain from sending him to his death? But Chuck was sure that was just the booze that were talking. Jack cared about him. He saved him. He would never lie to him.

Chuck's heart froze over. Blair was two faced. Blair was a constant schemer. He would have nothing to do with her anymore.


	14. Deeper

**XIV. Deeper**

_When everybody else refrained_

_My Uncle Johnny did cocaine_

_He's convinced himself right in his brain_

_That it helps to take away the pain_

_-Uncle Johnny_

_-- The Killers_

Nothing had changed. Nothing had changed, but it should have. Blair glared at her reflection again. _Disgusting_. She should have broken all contanct. She should have been more careful. She should have done all of these things and more. But she keeps making mistakes. And she knows in the end, it is he who will pay the price. He won't know what happened or why, he'll just disappear. Forever. She would rather him damn her to the pits of hell than never see him again. That was the only solution.

She should have been more careful. She saw him in the club that night, she should have bolted. Not stuck around because she loved him so damn much. She should have been selfless like she swore to herself that she would be. That she had to be. But she saw him that night... that night that seemed like eons ago, but was only 24 hours. Somehow... somehow her _opressor _knew. He knew that Blair was not strong, and could never be strong. Even for him. So here she was. In the bathroom of the same club throwing hateful thoughts at herself. Glaring at her reflection right after she emptied the contents of her stomach. Again.

Not that uncommon in an establishment such as this. There were always people doing hardcore drugs in the corner and having hasty sex that no one would notice an 18 year old girl purging herself of all her emotions, thoughts... and her food.

She didn't want him to be here. And Blair knew she could read people well. One of her talents. One of his. But no one had the random talent for showing up where he was not wanted, not needed, like Chuck Bass. Even she couldn't guess his actions sometimes. There when you didn't want him, not there when you needed him. But he would never come back for her. Part of her wished he would. That he still had some compassion left. Just for her. But he was Chuck Bass. In other words: No. Chance. In. Hell.

So it surprised her as soon as she stepped out of the bathroom that she could smell his intoxicating scent. She knew it was him. No one could turn her senses on like he could. Like he could, without even trying. Saying Blair overreacted was an understatement. It was too dangerous. She couldn't even see him. If they were even seen in the same place at the same time, both of their lives would be durastically changed forever.

He thought it would be a slim chance that she would be here. Why come to the same place two nights in a row? Blair Waldorf was the most famous bitch of the Upper East Side. She had options. But Chuck didn't. He could put his PI on her, but that would mean him admitting to himself that he had not forsaken all feelings for her. That he had not, in fact, shut himself down completely. Forever. But he knew for a fact that she wasn't with Serena. He knew this because Serena hadn't come home since Blair escaped. Which striked him as odd. Was she looking for Blair, still? He told Eric exactly where to find her. So simple.

Either she was gone, had run away from her home for God knows where, or, inconcivably, Eric had completely ignored directions. That seemed implausible. He did not like the fact that they were letting Blair run all over town after everything. Especially in her condition. It made Blair... impulsive. He remembered. Who knows if she had taken anything, or how much.

He didn't like waiting outside of the bathrooms for her. He knew it made him look sketchy. He didn't used to be above this of course, when he used to chase down every woman on the Upper East Side. But it made him feel guilty, waiting for her there. He didn't even know if she was here, and here he was, assuming she was purging herself. Purging herself of her feelings, her thoughts. Purging herself of him.

The door to the bathroom opened halfway and Chuck saw all he needed to see. Even though it wasn't enough. He saw a bunch of wasteded cheerleader types crowded around a small mirror. He didn't need to hear the sharp inhalation of white powder to know what they were doing. At any rate, even if Blair was here, he could stand holding her hair back while she vomited. It was his fault. He deserved as much. But he couldn't take her being resorted to low life activity such as this. Such as the activity that he was used to.

He set off from his perch on the wall as the wind blew the exit door open at the same time that the bathroom door did.

Blair looked wildly around for him. He was here. She knew he was. But he might as well have been just a phantom of her imagination. Even if he was here, he was lost in the crowd by now. And that's what lead her to see that golden haired goddess who thought she knew what was best for her. Serena, followed by Nate, scanned the crowd for Blair as she darted back into the bathroom.

Chuck stared in disgust as he spotted his step sister. No way she was here for the same reasons that he was. But it also gave him hope. Maybe he could coax answers from her without her realizing that he still cared for the one person who dared to care about him. It would have never worked on Blair, but then again, Blair always had a more advanced mentality that Serena. He didn't care if he got slapped or assaulted like he had experienced so many times in the past, most recently by a mourning ex-wife and a jealous boyfriend. He just needed to know. And all the better if Serena didn't know what he was doing.

Blair's blood was racing. Only reactions her body made in one other situation. She didn't notice the bleach blondes in the corner snorting their problems away. She was thinking of another course of action. She knew he was here. Not just because she thought she could smell his natural musk. She just knew it. Intuition or whatever, she needed to get out of this club. Without being evaded by Serena and her lackies at the same time. Quite a dilemma, but Blair could always think quick on her feet. Even in her condition.

She cursed herself for using the same club again, but it had worked pretty well when no one knew where she was going. She had to be smarter than she already thought she was being. All the while being extremely intoxicated. There was no way she could even live life anymore being sober. But her heart sent her brain a pang of pain. Everything reminded her of Chuck. And this was the way to get rid of those stupid emotions and guilt of conscience. Things she never really had to deal with until that first night in the limo. When she gave into temptation, betrayed the person she thought she loved for the one person she thought she could never, but in the end actually the only person, she could ever give her full heart too. Guilt for emotions that should could not control, even when her hypocritical ex boyfriend had slept with _her _best friend too. While they were still going out, no less. Hypocrite.

She took a deep breath and looked at herself in the mirror when something else called her attention. Those girls. She can hear them laughing, like they owned the world. They are superior to everyone. They are invincible. Thoughts Blair herself had everyday, without the influence of substances. Thoughts that he enhanced when he called her beautiful. They way he looked at her when no one else had. Not even Nate. Nate saw a cold heartless bitch. Chuck saw the world. He called her beautiful without really saying the words. But she knew what he meant. And he meant the world to her. The only person who knew her for exactly what she was. She was neglected, so was she. He was indifferent, so was she. She put on a cold mask to shut out the world from dissappointment. He used cold words to shove people away. They were completely different, and yet they were one in the same.

But that was gone now. Everything was gone. Blair would have given anything to have that feeling again. To not feel fear for gazing at the one she loved like she used to. Not to be afraid to have a collar of bruises shackling her like a slave to the person she despised. The person who was poison, and feeding it, giving it, masquerading it like love. The girls saw her gazing with longing.

And with one non verbal gesture everything changed. She would have given anything to feel that way again. But she didn't have to give anything. She only had to receive. Receive the shocking pain of substance going through her sinuses. The shock of freedom. They offered her the mirror, and everything changed.

Chuck ordered a drink. He could be as suave as he needed to be with alcohol in his system. He didn't like it now as much, knowing it had deceived him. Knowing _Jack_... He hadn't confronted him yet, he just needed to set down the groundwork first. Its how he approached anything. He needed to forgive some people... But even more, those people needed to forgive him.

He eased to his side, knowing she would be standing right there. Serena didn't notice him at first. He didn't blame her. He didn't notice the countless numbers of women looking at the Infamous Chuck Bass when he was looking for Blair, either. So he just stared at her. He knew Serena knew when someone was staring at her. Hell if he was the first one who spoke first. He never was. He always let the people come to him. And she did.

She didn't feel his gaze on her, she was just looking for the person they were both looking for. The same person Chuck was going to use as leverage for. So he didn't have to admit to him self how he was disgusted with himself. How he should have believed her. Not only on the roof, but after the funeral when he left her in his dust. Serena locked eyes with him. Nate wasn't anywhere to be seen. Serena was a head taller than him, of course. Especially since he was leaning on the bar in his signature pose. Her eyes suddenly turned cold. She was really angry. Not that he blamed her. For once, he completely agreed with what he knew was in her head. She was so easy to read. It was all his fault.

"I'm glad you find the time to come out to party when she's spiraling down all because of you," Serena tried to be nasty but it didn't work. She just wasn't.

"I've got to admit, wannabe bitchy just doesn't work on you, S," Chuck tried his best to be as despisable as possible. It gave Serena more reason to make him feel guilty about what was happening to Blair. He knew she was partying, and he knew that she was on a familiar road to self destruction. He just had the urge to know more. To know everything. To say that he was a part of her life when he wasn't a part of her life. He just wanted. "And, as always, I have no idea what you're talking about. Who is this _she _you speak of?" There it was. He pushed Serena over. To pretend that he had no regard or even knowledge of Blair's new road was damn hurtful. And it was killing him. Killing him to know what was really going on, pretending that he didn't care when he cared more than anyone could possibly imagine. Stupid blonde.

"You son of a bitch," Serena never got this nasty. It was ugly on her. "You know exactly what you're doing to her and you're too selfish to see what it's doing." Chuck put his well practice face of indifference up for the world to see. He hadn't used it for some time, he was rusty. It wouldn't have fooled Blair. But it was good enough to fool Serena.

"You're sick," Not the first time he was called that. "You know what she's into, you know her condition. And you don't have a care in the world." This time Chuck actually let his true words shine though.

"Oh, so that's it," Serena didn't know what was really going through his mind. Chuck was scared to death that she was ODing on heroine or something insane like that. It was almost a relief that she had a sheltered problem. One that could be taken care of without his intervention. He couldn't cause her the pain of him hovering over her constantly.

"'That's it?'" Serena quoted. She was livid. But Chuck didn't even see her. "She's probably in the bathroom right now hurting herself all because of you," Chuck didn't disagree with that. But just to enrage his step sister more, he decided to make things a hell of alot worse.

"Who?" he asked Serena in an innocently confused voice. He was sure she was about to scream. If this were any other day, he would have found that hilarious. Angering Serena was one of his favorite pasttimes. But this wasn't any other day.

"You damn well know who. Who else would have her self esteem so low that she would have to make herself vomit just because of you." Chuck feigned understanding.

"Oh... Now you're being more specific. So she's here? The same club she was last night? She must be running out of options." So Chuck was right. Blair was here. And she wasn't into anything that caused her in any immediate danger. He could slink back, watch Serena take her back with piece of mind. Easy. Well, he wished it was easy, to watch her walk away knowing she was destroying herself, just like he was. He was having a bad influence on her. He should just leave now, never to come back. Maybe send someone to see if she were doing alright without him. He hoped he contained the strength for that.

It was easier to watch her walk away, knowing that he wasn't doing her anymore harm. She would be free. At last. Chuck was surprised he didn't hear a retort from Serena. Improbable. She hated him far too much to let that one slide. But she wasn't even looking at him anymore. She was looking towards... the bathroom. And the person that was emerging from it. And that's when Chuck saw something he wished he hadn't. If only he walked away two seconds earlier, he could have saved himself. But he couldn't have saved her. He saw something that pulled him deeper into the world that he thought he could rid himself of. That people would be rid of him. He saw something... And he knew now he could never turn away. He would never look back.


	15. Hyped

**XV. Hyped**

_I pack my case_

_I check my face_

_I look a little bit older_

_I look a little bit colder_

_For reasons unkown_

_-Reasons Unknown_

_--The Killers_

It was a new day. Except it was night. It was a new hour, except it was the same. She was different, just in the same insecure body. Not anymore. Tonight she was completely different and yet totally the same. She didn't know how to come here or what to do next, but she felt as though the pounding bass of the club was beating her name into the floor. She could have been right. She never would have known.

Blair didn't know how or when she was coming down, didn't know if this would end in the fiery crash or a soft landing, but she did know that traces of her old self were back. She felt no fear, no anxiety. And when she saw him she wasn't afraid. She wanted to bring him crashing down with her. But she saw him with Serena. Chuck was with Serena. And those two were never a good match. She didn't know if it was this was the knew bravery in her heart, some of her own insecurities coming back to haunt her, but she wanted to sneer at them. She was invincible. No one could bring her down. And if anyone knew how to kill her current state of mind, it was Serena.

Chuck felt Serena stiffen at his side. Serena knew scary things could occur when people were under. She had first hand experience. But no one knew this better than Chuck Bass. He had spent the better days of his partying youth with this sort of crowd. And when he saw her, she took his breath away.

She saw them, he knew she did. But he also saw the accusing look in her burning eyes. He knew that it really wasn't her, but it reminded him of how things used to be. It made him miss her. She held her head high, jutting out her chin, and took long strides with her bared legs. And she was walking right towards them. The lights danced aross her and it looked as though the bass pounded every time her foot hit the floor, like she was commanding the very ground she walked on. She was in control. Beautiful. Chuck knew he shouldn't be thinking these things, of course. She shouldn't be doing these things. But he let himself believe, just for a few moments, that she was she and he was he, everything was how it had been months ago, a year ago, and she was walking just for him, her eyes were only meant for him, and she was walking only to him.

But he quickly let go of that notion when she neared them. There was only one thing that gave her away. Her eyes. Blair's expressive eyes always gave her away. When she was in places she wanted to hide from him, he could see her soul through her eyes. A feat no one else could do. Chuck thought he had lost that gift when he lost her. But he saw something there that there shouldn't have been.

Blair was hatred. Blair was meanness. And not in the way that they would manipulate others. She was another demon all together. And he knew that this wasn't her. She wasn't her old self. She was covering herself up, not letting anyone get too close. In reality, she was burning from the inside out.

Blair was demonically beautiful. And that's the first time he noticed it. Serena coldn't have seen it. She wouldn't have been paying so close attention to Blair's skin in the erratic spotlight movements. But that was when Chuck first noticed the unnatural pattern of pigmentation across her shoulders. Across her shoulders that resceded beneath her white shirt and down her back. And God knows where else.

It made his stomach turn. That was it. She wasn't trying to spite him. She was doing exactly what he was doing. Burying herself beneath drugs and promiscuity. Heavy emphasis on the drugs. He hadn't known that she was capable of this. Blair knew when she had enough. He could testify to that. Everyone thought that she was in a bad place. Well, she was. She was just put there by someone else. No one knew. Of course there would be a trigger. It seemed... foolish to think that she was just self destructing on her own. Or worse, because of him. It was egocentric to think that she would behave this way because of him. He was just a small evil part that corrupted her beauty. And he hated that he was the only one who knew about this. Of course she would go to extreme lengths to cover it up. She was Blair, after all. And her substance abuse was just another part of it.

He inwardly cringed at that. He made it sound like she had a serious problem already. He wouldn't let her. He would fix her if the pain of it killed him. And then, like the problem, he too would dissapate into nothingness. Another wayward problem killed. Gone forever. She would never see him again. And be better off for it.

She was still walking across the floor, right towards him, when another thought occured to him. She hit rock bottom. Or was very, very close to it. She wasn't even bothering to cover her problems anymore. She was just trying to bury the pain anyway she could. She didn't care who noticed anymore.

His eyes lingered on her forceful markings with uneasiness. Now was the perfect time for denial. Inside, he knew exactly who was doing this, he didn't need any proof. Inside, he knew he would have to spring into action. Inside, for once, he would have to be the savior, not reveling in his own pain, not causing it anymore, being selfless for once. But what also was inside him, was pure unadulerated denial. Even though he knew these things, he knew who was hurting her, he knew what he in the end would have to do, and knew he had always been selfish, denial was always wrapping its poisonous cords around him like thick vines and choking him. He couldn't face the one who was hurting Blair, and indirectly him. Not yet. He knew eventually what would come to pass. But he just couldn't. Not yet. He would face his demons after he made her safe. Being cold as he was known for, he couldn't help but think what terrible time this all was. But it couldn't have happened any other way. He couldn't suppress his urge to save her, even if he hurt her. The reason he was in this mess was because of his inability to suppress his urges.

At first, it was his urge for women. He couldn't stop that. He couldn't stop his urge for alcohol. The same alcohol that was destroying them both. He couldn't stop the need for her. He knew she was his best friend's girlfriend, and one of his best friends, but he just couldn't stop. He couldn't stop the feelings of fluttering when he saw her or the need to sabotage Nate when he was taking her to the Debutante Ball. He couldn't stop his love for her, no matter how hard he tried. So that's what came down to it. He would save her. He couldn't stop the intense need to protect her. And if his inner demons attacked him in the process, then so be it. But for now, he would just be avoiding the inescapible truth that would, in a matter of days, eat him alive.

And no matter how much he did have the need to protect Blair from herself, and from him, he knew now was not the time or the place, in front of everyone. She was too hyped up. It would have been easier if Serena wasn't here, or the obvious Gossip Girl spies that were unavoidibly hiding in every corner. Someone would see him trying to restrain her, alluding to the obvious fact that he still cared for her, no matter how obvious it was, or how much he tried to hide it. Because Blair would not just walk out with him. She was on the run from herself, and he knew how the whole drug thing worked. Now she had a constant inner monolouge telling her that she was invincible, that nothing could touch her. And that perception made it completely true. Even Sober Blair had that in her mind, but it was usually put down by insecurities. She would tell herself that she was strong, even when she thought she wasn't. That's what thrilled him about her. Her outward appearance was one thing, and he could see who she really was underneath. What she never showed the outside world. Except him.

However, now she was corrupted by thousands of those voices that would make her impossible to reason with. Not that she was so easy before. She would do whatever she wanted, whenever she wanted, to whoever she wanted. And that scared him. It shouldn't have. Chuck Bass doesn't get scared, or emotional, or voice his feelings, that he pretended he didn't have, to anyone. But she made anything possbile.

He knew he had to let her go. Serena wouldn't like it, but he knew what was best for her. Serena let feelings get involved. Be cold and nothing can touch you. Blair won't go with Serena either. Most likely she was going to say something hurtful, but true. That's what you did when you were influenced by your powdery best friend. And usually, Chuck would have enjoyed the show. But not this time. This time, he was looking out for her. She may not go with him, but it wouldn't have stopped him from following her. And he would. Wherever she would go, whatever she would do, he would know. He would protect her until she crashed. Then he would save her. Then he was gone. That was the plan. But normally, in this world, things never go according to plan. He was aware of that. He just hoped it wasn't true.

"Blair," Serena's voice broke through his resolve. Had Blair even seen them? It was possible. It didn't look like it the way she shot a glance at Serena. Her eyes were burning, but indifferent. She had parties to go to, towns to burn, nights to ride. She would be up for three straight days. Would she waste her time talking to a certain annoying blonde who cared too much? Chuck hoped not. It would make his indifference easier if he didn't have to join this conversation. More like one sided conversation.

Blair didn't say anything, she just had an amused smirk on her face. Like she was thinking, why would I waste my time when I can party with more interesting people than a recovering partier and proclaimed womanizer. Old news. But she did walk this way. She wanted us to see her strength. Serena saw that. Chuck saw what was underneath. Or what was underneath that wasn't smothered in false confidence.

Blair just turned her seemingly bored eyes no us, her eyes commanding Serena to speak before something more interesting captured her attention. She didn't even look at him. No surprise there.

"Blair," Serena repeated. She obviously had no clue what to do in this situation. Unlike Chuck. "What are you doing?" Lame line, but what really was there else to say? Blair let out a condescending sigh. So Blair. Her eyes were already on the throbbing throng of people on the dance floor. When you were in that kind of state of mind, you felt like you could dance all night long. And she probably would.

It was loud. Too loud to voice a competent answer. What really was there to say besides the obvious?

_Yes, Serena, I'm hyped up on what you put away to hide my pain that was so obviously ignored for so long. Help Me._ Not exactly Blair's style. But she did speak. And he was right. She was just trying to get away. She succeeded.

"I'm doing the things you didn't have the strength for. So what if you slept with tons of guys, did tons of drugs. You had fun doing it, and no one stopped you. I'm off to do the same." Ouch. Chuck could see it in Serena's eyes. That hurt. And he knew it wasn't true. Serena had hurt Blair when she slept with Nate. But Blair wasn't Blair at the moment. And Chuck was glad for that. He didn't want her to surprise him. He hated it when she made him speechless. It made him feel incompetent.

Serena didn't have anything to say on the subject, so she just turned her eyes to Chuck. "Bass," she smirked condescendingly. Yeah, she was far gone. No way she would have done that with all of my problems. She wanted to help him. When she was sober. Now she hadn't a care worth a damn.

"Don't do this," Serena said, suddenly grabbing Blair's arm. Blair wrenched her arm away defensively. Serena hadn't even noticed why. She would chalk it up to the drugs, but Chuck knew better. Even with Blair absent, she was still somewhat contientious on unwanted touching.

"Don't touch me," she snapped.

"Blair, please." This is why Chuck wouldn't have wasted my time with this. Blair would have rebelled and made him look insane. And she was rebelling. Just for Serena. And that's when things got... hetic.

"What are you gonna do, Serena? Stop me because I'm finally doing what a normal teenager should be doing, instead of a sad, insecure lackey to the Imfamous Serena? You used to be like this and can't take that I'm becoming stronger. That I don't fit the mold for the best friend. Sorry to dissappoint," she spat. This time when Blair wrenched her hand away, she winced. Chuck couldn't believe Serena didn't notice. Blair wasn't going to waste anymore time with them. She was gone.

The other bad things about drugs, even when you are spouting off hurtful things that you would never say to your best friend, its still what it in your head. You have thought those things, and they are just on their way out. Serena knew this.

Chuck knew he had to make a comment. An indifferent comment. He had to play his role. He didn't care about Blair. And Serena would know it.

"Well that was... anti- climactic," Chuck drawled. Serena shot a still shocked and hurt glance that quickly turned to disgust as she stormed away, looking for Nate who had actually gone in the opposite direction.

With Serena gone, and no one watching, Chuck could actually fullfill his motives. He hoped Blair hadn't gotten too far. It would kill him if he knew she had gotten hurt because of him.


	16. Crashing

**XVI. Crashing**

_They say the devil's water, it ain't so sweet_

_You don't have to drink right now_

_But you can tip your feet_

_Every once and a little while_

_-When You Were Young_

_--The Killers_

Blair crashed three days later. And Chuck was there to watch it all. He took her home where a spiteful and over protective brother waited, for all the wrong reasons. He despised Chuck, and Chuck knew it. He knew the feeling when someone detested him. He had felt it every day of his life. Until Blair.

But Aaron didn't know the hell Chuck and his step sister were going through. And Chuck didn't even know that they were legally related. Not until that night.

Aaron didn't know how Chuck followed Blair relentlessly. Chuck slept as much as Blair did. None. He slept some in the cab rides to clubs when she would walk. He rested, lounging on alley walls, watching her walk proudly down the street, knowing people were watching her, knowing she was high. He would also sleep in his own club. He would sleep in _Victrola _during the day when she would just be out at bars. He only slept when he knew she was safe. So not often.

But soon she showed obvious signs of crashing. The bounce in her confident step slowed to a slouch. Her eyelids would flutter every so often. Her body told her that she needed rest, but the drugs said better. Usually this was the point where the real users would go for another pick me up. But considering Blair was not an actualy addict, and had no dealer, she didn't know any better. And he wasn't about to enlighten her.

Every time she walked past a Wallstreeter who noticed her obvious perfection, even in her downward spiral, Chuck flinched. He knew if she was approached, they would take advantage of her. Of an obvious young girl who had no idea what she had gotten into. If they approached her, she wouldn't be able to protect herself, brush them off which she had an amazing talent to do. When she was sober.

So far they had gotten lucky. So far the older men hadn't taken their chances. Chuck was distgusted, actually. Watching after some girl after the predators that he used to be. He used to look for the freshmen who had their judgement impaired. Not that he couldn't get a sober one, but sometimes it was just easier. And honestly, after Blair, he had no mood for the chase. The only chase he enjoyed was her. No, chasing other girls were just boring. He tried it over the summer. Tried to distract himself with triplets for Rio. It didn't work. As soon as Blair had returned he had to admit to himself that despite his efforts, the only girl for him was her.

He was a reformed predator, making sure other ones didn't show up. He wasn't that reformed. Right now he was just following a beautiful girl around. Like a stalker. But this was for her own good. It was melodramatic, something Blair would say, but he couldn't bare this world if she wasn't in it. He had never really noticed it before, but she was always in his life. The longest they had ever been apart was last summer. And she hadn't stayed close because of him. He didn't know how to live without her. And he wasn't going to try.

So here he was, in a secluded dark corner of the club, amidst scantily clad skanks, and all he could look at was the girl at the bar, obviously impaired, with clothing longer than midthigh. Unlike most of the people in this place. Figures.

The world was beautiful. Not as beautiful as he is, but still wonderous. Wonderous under the influence that she was under. She knew it, and it excited her. Never once had she been afraid of suites with scotch where no one could hear you scream.

She should have been afraid, though. She hadn't slept for three days, not that she had any concept of time. All she knew was right, left; entrance, exit; male, female. Him. Not him. His were features she could recognize. Now it seemed all a blur. First, it was intoxicating. Obviously. Now. She could barely tell if it was day or night. She saw a swirl of colors. She heard the pounding music. But she couldn't tell.

Somehow she had found her way here. Familiarity. Comfort. Almost as comforting as a black, sleek limousine would be right now. The only place where she would have been able to escape, long ago. Whenever she was there, she was safe. She never told him, of course. Because after the first wave of safety came... other things. Things she enjoyed. She knew that he thought that was the only reason she came, but the truth was, he made her feel safe. And they were usually in a limo. It just worked out like that. She felt safe with him because he was the only one in her life that ever really excepted her for exactly who she was. She wasn't sure who that was, but she knew that, at least for a time, he had at least appreciated her, if not loved her. No one in her life had ever treated her like that. Nate was always looking at Serena. Serena was never really looking. Her mother saw all the things she could have been, should have been, and not what was really in front of her.

Chuck, however, always saw the small things that no one else did. He saw her cold mask that separated her from the world which rivaled his indifferent mask. He liked the way they could banter with each other and how they could understand each other, without saying anything at all. Like they fit. At least, that's what she used to think. Before the cruel rejections. But that's what made her keep coming back. Chuck never rejected a sure thing. And here he was telling her that it was too bad, it wasn't enough. She told him that he needed her, and he would leave. It seemed... improbable. It intriguied her, like so many things about him did.

So she came back here. Where it all began, so to speak. She didn't notice that the people recognized her or the subtler things like it even smelled like him. She didn't notice that with a relieved, surprised, and almost smug look, how he followed her into his own establishment.

She had been there for half an hour and yet she looked worn. This was the definite night of the crash. He knew it, she should have felt it. She should feel it. But there she is at the bar, completely oblivious, probably even to her destination. He found that ironic. She would come to the one place, his place, of the person who was hurting her in her desperate time of need. But again, she probably had no idea where she was.

Perfect timing. The worst night of her stint and _now _is the time for some dirtbag to hit on her. Her worst night, where she has the least judgement. Chuck really shouldn't have been surprised. This was a "burlesque" club. Blair was right when she said strip joint. It was just more... dignified. This was the Upper East Side. He should have been waiting for some drunk to come to a newly adult teenager.

Chuck was surprised that the glass he was holding didn't break. He wasn't known for thinking his actions through. He just acted.

He was old. Decrepit, even. Maybe Chuck was just telling himself these things so justify calling Blair his, but he would have done it again. He told himself that he was saving her. But if she were sober, Blair would have welcomed it. Just not outwardly.

He leaned in and was whispering quietly into her ear. Chuck was disgusted with himself again. Hadn't he used the same tacticts on Blair? Hadn't he approached her in a crowded room, grabbed her, ran his hand over hers and her arm, whispering wickedly to her? The answer was yes. Yes he had. The same tactic that some old guy was trying to pick up clearly a high schooler to do know what Chuck knew exactly. And he didn't want to think about it. And that's why it came down to this. Acting and not thinking.

He slunk through his club, approaching the bar. It was sort of humerous, if you stood outside the serious subject. The guy was trying to pick her up but she was clearly not paying attention. She probably didn't even know who was speaking to her, if she even understood that someone was speaking to her. Her back was half turned, leaning her arm on the bar, her cheek against her palm. Yes, she was definitely crashing. With his luck he would have to carry outside of this bar himself. Better him than the paramedics.

If Blair were sober, he would have immediately thought she had an alternate agenda. But premeditating passing out in his bar seemed beyond her at this point. But maybe he was wrong. Secretly, he wanted to think that she spent almost every walking moment thinking of him. God knows he did for her. And his sleeping moments as well.

He would have to fight fire with fire. Drunk with drunk. And not just drunk. A drunk boyfriend. A drunk posessive boyfriend. His stomach cleched excitedly at the task. He had to get all of these thoughts out of his head. If he kept thinking like this he would never be able to let her go. And he needed to.

So that was how he came to have his arms around Blair. Again. For the last time, he hoped. Chuck was good at being drunk. Blair of all people knew this. But now he had to be good at pretending to be drunk. He didn't have to pretend being possessive.

Once he got in range of the two of them, he started stumbling. When he reached her, he slung his free arm around her shoulders, other hand clasped around a drink, glaring at the patron. He didn't seem to notice. Blair started. Chuck was right, she had no idea that that other guy was talking to her. This sudden contact caught her off gaurd. Not something you did easily.

She was still wearing the same things she had the other night in the club. She never went home. Chuck distractedly mused what her mother must be thinking. The only time Eleanor would worry about her daughter was when Blair was purging. Would she care that she was out this late. Would she care if she knew what Blair had gotten into? Blair halfway turned so she was in Chuck's arms. He looked into her unfocused eyes. She was lost. He couldn't help her except tell her what to do. The only time that that was welcome. Chuck postitioned both of their bodies so they were facing the other drunk. That was the only way this was going to work. Chuck put his lips right into Blair's ear and whispered seductively, a skill he had perfected and honed over the years.

"Who's your friend?" Chuck said loud enough for the man across from them to hear. Blair wouldn't be able to answer but the point was to demonstrate that Blair was with him. He saw the man about to get defensive. All Blair was was a prize to him, something he had come across and rightfully won. Not that it was difficult, what with Blair's mental capacity at the moment.

"Hey, man, I got here first," the man said diplomatically. Disgusting. Chuck was vaguely aware that Blair's head had hit his shoulder. She was out of it and he needed to get her out of here. Fast. His thoughts quickly flitted back to the twisted fantasy of him being her savior and having to carry her out. That might become a reality, with how things were going at the moment.

"No, I don't think so," Chuck said in his indifferent voice. Chuck wanted to drop his name but really didn't know how much credibility it would have. For once he longed to have the prestige of the Waldorfs or even the Van der Woodsens. Even though Lilly was a gold digging whore, she wasn't a self proclaimed womanizer with a stone cold billionaire for a father. This prick probably wouldn't even know if he owned _Victrola _or just partied here. Chuck didn't even know if his stake in this place had gone up since the death of his father or not. "She's with me," Chuck finished confidently. He knew Blair would pick even him in this situation.

"What are you, her boyfriend or something, kid?" Chuck bristled at the brush off. He knew he was here for only one reason, but he didn't even know that Chuck probably now owned half the Manhatten sky line, and Chuck wanted to pound him. Not really his style, but the occassion called for it. Yes, he did own half the Manhatten skyline, If _someone _hadn't gotten to it first.

Chuck wanted to jump in, tell this guy that he and Blair were definitely together, but it made his heart sink when he thought of how that's all Blair wanted and he just left her. But, what the hell, no way she would remember this in the morning. If she survived the night. Cynical thought, but anything could happen at this point.

"Actually, I'm her fiance, and she's leaving how she came. With me." Chuck realized he probably could have just called security but he was a doer, not a thinking. Literally. He doubted that security would even come to his aid. He wondered what his last unremebered conquests had done to his already fragile name. He would take his chances. He hoped his father's death had provided some sypathy from the outside world. It might have been cruel, with his father just newly buried, but dwelling really wasn't Chuck's style, either. Only when it came to one thing.

He nodded to the bulky bouncer. At least the bouncer knew power when he saw it. Even months ago, if something went wrong, Chuck could make anyone hurt if he wanted to. He was the owner.

The bouncer approached, not even asking if there was a problem. Chuck was satisfied. He slid his hand down Blair's arm and wrapped it around her waist. He put his drink down and put her opposite arm around his neck, standing up. She at least was coherent enough to understand the walking process.

Chuck didn't even pay attention to the protests of the old man being thrown out by the bouncer.

Chuck looked down at Blair's slackened face. He thrust them through the throng of people cheering at the stage and out the door into the fresh air of the cool night.

Blair was leaning against his shoulder again, taking in deep breaths. He felt every one. Her eyes were closed, letting Chuck guide her. That was a bad mistake. Chuck wasn't even sure if she even knew who he was. Would she let some complete stranger take her away, even in the state she was in?

There was nothing he could do to disguise himself. She knew that she was way under, but that was the one this that she could always tell. His signature smirk. His distinctive musk. She knew it all. The unmistakable feeling of his warm hands across her shoulders. She had felt it many times before. The hands that sent scorching trails across her back and shoulders. The hands that used to crawl up her body, caress her face and pull at her hair.

But that was it. All she knew was that he was here. She didn't know how or why. Her brain couldn't comprehend that at the moments. He wasn't even talking to her. Or at least, not talking that she could understand. His lips were to her ear and she could feel his warm breath blow her hair away from speech. It was too loud there. She had no idea what he was saying. Then he wasn't talking to her at all. Someone across from them. He looked old. Decrepit. Blair could tell that Chuck was getting angry. There was a dangerous element to his voice that she used to treasure.

Dangerous. As dangerous as she was vulnerable. A lot. She loved how he could turn a phrase or make goose bumps rise on her skin just by his closeness. The thing that she was relishing now. He wasn't talking to her. But he was with her. That was what mattered.

She felt his hand travel down her body. She got a sort of sick pleasure from it. She shouldn't have liked it. But she did. But that was Chuck in an essence. Everything about him that should creep you out, send the warnings in your brain that this was wrong, just brought you closer. Brought her closer. And she liked it. She never told anyone, but she found everything about him completely intoxicating.

She found him intriguing, even before she even considered him in that way. When she was dating Nate, he was just the best friend. The best friend who was completely, and honestly, a whore. Except without the earning of money for services. A concubine for everyone. Her concubine, her paramour. He always drew her in, whether he meant to or not. He probably meant to. Because he was just the male version of her. Completely smart, completely beautiful, completely ruthless. She always wanted to talk to him because he was mysterious. She felt she didn't know him even when she had full length conversations with him. And after Nate slept with Serena and became distant, it only increased. She had no one to talk to and needed to. Chuck knew her inner dark secrets that no one knew. About her father and his foreign lover. Chuck knew about what she did after she ate, but he didn't even have to ask. He just knew. And she let that go, because he didn't hover or treat her like she was a delicate flower. He wasn't careful around her, he just treated her like Blair. After she vomited, he would suggest they do shots. And she did, because Chuck made everything seem like a good idea.

Chuck supported practically all of her weight with her arm slung over his neck with his arm around her waist. He was walking briskly, probably wanting to get out of there. She kept up. Blair could always keep up with Chuck. She knew something had gone down there and wouldn't have surprised her if Chuck had just rescued her from a horrible fate.

No one knew that Chuck. She prided herself in knowing that she was the only one who did. Everyone knew the smug and indifferent Chuck. No one saw his vulnerable side. No one heard the things he would say to her when they were alone. Still Chuck, but still sweet. Strange how some things come in the same package.

She missed his arms around her. He never did it in public, but when they were alone together, he would give her the world, whether she deserved it or not.

They reached the cold outdoors. She didn't like it. She didn't know why she was wearing a short sleeved shirt. She was always up all night dancing, it was always hot. Why was it so cold now? Chuck's warm hands were a comfort on her skin. Chuck's skin always seemed to be scorching. She didn't know if it was just her, but he was always hot.

Chuck rubbed her cold arms, looking out at the road. He didn't seem to know that he was doing it. Just instictual with her. Like it was for him.

His dark slanting eyes met hers. She had them closed for awhile, trying to shut out the madness that was occuring in her brain constantly. But as soon as his arm was around her, everything quieted. He protected her, even from herself.

Her eyes fluttered open and took him in. He was as beautiful as ever. A gorgeous dark angel. Suffering. She wished she could cure him of his inner ailment. He was just so tormented. But his eyes were soft when they met hers. Whenever he looked at her like this, she knew that he was analyzing her. Taking in her every movement, every motion. Studying her, as if afraid to miss a single second. She didn't know why. She was so small, she didn't understand how anyone could see her. It was Chuck who she could look at forever. There was never something that bored her about him. She was confident that she would forever be unraveling the mystery that was Chuck Bass. Every layer, every twitch in his mouth, every change in his eyes. He was perfect.

Chuck looked down at her face again. Her eyes were open. Her endless beautiful dark eyes. Time was that he would use this to his advantage. Her eyes weren't empty. She shouldn't be aware of anything now that she was crashing. But she was completely aware of him. He didn't like it.

Her knees buckled suddenly. He wrapped his other arm around her so she wouldn't crack her head on the pavement. His heart made another frightened jump. Chuck wouldn't admit to himself that this was exactly what Blair was feeling when he almost teetered off the edge of that building. Except ten times worse. She wasn't there to catch him if he fell. She was stories below, helpless if he did fall of the edge. Helpless to watch his head get crushed by gravity and the sidewalk.

Blair was light in Chuck's arms. Frail. She wasn't like this the last time he had held her. Or rather, the last time she embraced him. Held him as he cried. Something only he would let her see. Crying over his broken family, deceased. She was the only one who was there. Who could care for him. Now he would do the same for her. But he didn't like how light she was. He could see her wrist bone and collar bones pressed through her thin flesh. She had lost a lot of weight. Chuck cursed himself for not noticing before. He knew she had relapsed. And he knew something that everyone else was too blind to see. And he was too weak to do something about. He pledged to himself, after this night, he would take care of everything. He would be strong. For her.

He couldn't help bur reminise about the other times she was powerless like this. But not in this preverse way. Powerless to him and his charm. And he was powerless to her vulnerable eyes. And the other times they were headed to his limo, like they were now. But not. This was different. Horridly different.

He approached the tinted window. Arthur stood by the drivers side. Chuck raised his wounded eyes. Arthur just nodded and got into his seat. Blair's arms were wrapped weakly around Chuck's neck. He hoisted the rest of her non existent weight to his left arm while he opened the door with his right hand.

He felt her weak breath against his neck. He squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn't process the whole situation. In all of the opium dens in Bangkok, he never would have comprehended that this was what was waiting for him back in New York. He thought that she would be better when he got back. He thought she would be happy. Maybe on the arm of some sweet blonde person she would meet from Yale. No games or manipulation.

Chuck's mind couldn't go past from this night. He didn't know what was to come, all he knew was that he had to make Blair safe. He helped her into the back seat as he slid in next to her and closed the door. Arthur knew where to go. Blair's head rested against Chuck's shoulder.

He pinched the bridge of his nose. This was so wrong. Why could he never control himself? What was the malfunction in him? Why couldn't he just leave her be? Wouldn't she be better if he wasn't there to influence her like this? The dominant part of him said that just this once, he would help her and be gone the next morning. He had done it before. He could be strong. For her. But there was also something very small in the back of his mind that contradicted everything. Something that broke his entire resolve. It wasn't _really _him, was it? He didn't give her those drugs. He didn't make her feel vulnerable, insult her so that she thought purging was a good idea. It wasn't him so... wasn't he helping her? He shut that part of his brain down. No. When he got the the Waldorf Penthouse, he would see to it that she was comfortable. He would see to it that she didn't need anything, that she was safe. And he was gone. He had no idea what was waiting for him when he got there, however.


	17. Safe

**XVII. Safe**

_Nobody ever had a dream 'round here_

_Well, I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me_

_Nobody ever really pulls the seams 'round here_

_Well, I don't really mind that it's starting to get to me_

_I've got this energy beneath my feet_

_Like something on the ground's gonna come up and carry me_

_I've got the sentimental heart that beats_

_But I don't really mind that its starting to get to me _

_Now_

_Why do you waste my time_

_Is the answer_

_To the question on your mind_

_I'm sick of all my judges_

_So scared in what they'll find_

_But I know that I can make it_

_As long as somebody takes me home_

_Every now and then_

_-Sam's Town_

_-- The Killers_

Chuck ignored the scandalized glances of people on the street. He ignored the wary looks of his driver. He planned on ignoring the reproval of Dorota as soon as he stepped out of the elevator, mounted those familiar stairs and hoisted Blair through the door of her sweet smelling room. But things, most definitely, never went according to plan on the Upper East Side. And that included the unplanned arrival of the knew addition to Blair's family.

Aaron Rose glared at Chuck as soon as he set foot through the elevator doors and into the living room. For once, Chuck was surprised. But Chuck was very apt in masking every emotion that his body was capable of. He let his indifferent expression slide effortlessly across his face. He smirked as he passed Aaron to reach the stairs, Blair stumbling lightly and gracefully, her arm wrapped around his neck as his was wrapped around her waist.

"She's been missing for three days," the blatant voice cracked towards Chuck. Like he cared. Chuck wasn't even sure how he knew. Had Eleanor even noticed? She never noticed. Eleanor contributed to how Blair was today. Compleltely neglected by everyone. Except Chuck. Eleanor ignored her, her father jetted of to France with his euro trash boyfriend, Serena left, Nate ignored her, took her for granted. And here they were.

Chuck pivoted, Blair still in his arms, facing the Brooklyn "artist." Please. Serena really had a weakness for the lost causes. Not that he should talk. He had no idea what Blair's attraction towards him was. He was broken. What could he ever offer her? But at least he wasn't poor.

Chuck put in place a condescending smirk. That always set everyone off. The air that he knew more than anyone. And they believed it. But in this case it was true. What did Aaron care about his new step sister. Why was he even here?

"Very deductive, Brooklyn," Chuck drawled smugly. No way was this guy good enough to take care of Blair. Better leave that to the experts. Chuck couldn't count the times he had to sneak a drunken Nate into the Archibalds' town house. Chuck turned back to the stairs. But not before he caught the offended look on Aaron's face. Chuck would have played this game more if the woman in his arms wasn't in need of some serious attention. And not in the fun way.

"What do you think you're doing?" Gah, this kid was not going to let this go. Couldn't he see that Chuck could help Blair in a way he could never? In a way that no one could? He didn't have time for this. He would gladly play the game any other day. Not today.

"Well..." Chuck started, "not to point out the obvious, but I'm taking care of your sick sister. Something that no one else seems to be doing," Chuck loved the look that crossed Aaron's face. He didn't really know Blair's new sibling, but he had to admit, he was highly entertaining.

"You don't think we've been doing anything?" Um... yes. That's when Chuck noticed the _we_. Had Eleanor noticed Blair's absence? This was definitely getting blamed on him. Of course Chuck Bass was the bad influence that got the innocent Queen B high. No, he could never do that to her. He lov.... he couldn't even finish the thought. Too much pain there. Never going there again. Not after tonight.

"It would seem in the present situation... yes. While you were 'doing something' about your dear 'sister's' absence, I've actually been making sure she doesn't make any life threatening decisions. I've been keeping her safe. What have you been doing? Waiting around here until the coroner shows up, telling you of the heart wrenching news of your decesased _sister_. What a perfect plan. Now you get the whole inheritence. No questions asked." Aaron looked horrified. Chuck was disgusted. What a tool. But it did shut him up. Mission accomplished. A part of him sighed contently. It had been so long since he verbally demeaned a poor Brooklynite. So much fun.

Blair's head rolled into his shoulder. She was so out of it. He needed to get her upstairs. Aaron wasn't objecting. He wasn't used to Chuck's natural born ability that Blair also possessed.

He tried to help her up the stairs. Her heels were making it difficult. He never played any sports at St. Jude's. He really didn't know what the strength in his arms was composed of. She probably wasn't heavy. She had lost too much weight. She was so delicate and frail. He had a fleeting fear of crushing her. No. He wouldn't let it happen.

He carefully balanced Blair on the arm the supported her waist and took his free arm and lifted at the back of her knees. Yes, she was very light. Too light. It scared him. She was been supported entirely by him. He didn't trust himself. This was dangerous, in more ways than one. Her head rolled back. The lifted the arm supporting her back so her head rested on his chest. Her arms unconsciencely encircled his neck. He slowly ascended the stairs to her room. He could feel Aaron's gaze burning holes in his back. Like he gave a damn. He just didn't. Not anymore. Not for awhile. There was only one person he cared about now.

Dorota was outside of Blair's room, a relieved look on her face. Chuck could understand as much. Dorota was one of Blair's only true friends. She was happy to see her home, somewhat entact. But Chuck didn't know why Dorota wasn't giving him a reproving look. For all she knew, it could have been him that put her in this state. Dorota smiled at him. She had let him in at the Waldorf- Rose wedding. He hadn't understood that either. It didn't occur to him that Dorota understood that Blair wasn't happier than when she was with Chuck. Chuck couldn't comprehend that he was actually good for Blair. Not yet.

He strode through the door with one knowing look from Dorota. He gently laid Blair across her bed. Her curls sprawled across her pillow. He sat perched on the edge of her bed. Like he had the night he left. Like he was about to do again. He looked to Dorota, knowing she would take care of her mistress, but she wasn't there. Dorota wasn't haunting the doorway like she was before. They were alone.

Chuck's gaze fell to Blair's face again. She was sleeping. She would for at least a solid 24 hours. When she woke up... he didn't know. She was alive at least. He couldn't comprehend a world without her. It was melodramatic, but he just didn't know.

He walked into her spacious bathroom. And looked at himself in the mirror. He hadn't changed in three days, gotten more than 2 hours of sleep, or even went home. He was honestly afraid to. Jack was waiting. He knew Jack assumed that he was out partying. Sort of the case. Partying to make sure Blair wouldn't unintentionally kill herself. He was a wreck. His eyes were bloodshot, almost rivaling the look he had after his father died. His hair was unkempt, completely disgusting, actually. He never really gave much thought to how people perceived him. For women, that was easy. They were open books, easily read. Blair was the first, however, that he analyzed every movement until he memorized what each motion meant. He could read her, but in a different way. Just like he knew she could read him. But what did it look like, a dilapidated guy caring an unconcious girl through the door. He sighed an leaned his forhead against the cold mirror. Soothing.

He looked under the sink. He really wasn't sure what he was looking for. He wanted to take care of Blair, but he really was not the nurturing type. Blair took better care of him than he could ever care for her. But instead he found an almost empty bottle of vodka. _Blair_. Was this what she saw when she looked at him? Was she scared to death for him? He had chosen to believe that she didn't care for him at all. That just wasn't a choice after everything. He had to face his demons eventually. He finished off the bottle and stowed it back under the sink.

He filled a glass he found by the faucet with water. Was this what nurturing people did? He was just winging it at this point. He carried it back into Blair's room and placed it on her bedside table. When she woke up, she would need it. He had no idea what else to do.

Blair had rolled onto her side, facing him. A strand of her hair had fallen into her eyes. He swept it behind her ear. This just wasn't him. But when it came to her it was. He sat back down onto the bed. What was he doing? He should be leaving, like he promised himself he had to do, for her sake. But he couldn't bare leaving her now. What if something happened? He didn't want to leave and find out that she had died the next morning. That wouldn't happen. But something stronger was pulling him towards her.

Goose bumps had risen on her bare arms. In her sleep, she rubbed her arms absentmindedly. She was cold. Chuck looked around, looking for something to fix that. He shrugged out of his jacket instead. He carefully laid it over her small body. Her unhealthy body. She held it against herself. Chuck didn't notice Blair take in the scent in her sleep.

He carefully stroked her hair, something he never did, trying not to wake her. Her mouth twitched at the corners in her sleep. Chucks heart ached. He knew he couldn't stay any longer. This was just too wrong. It ends here and now. He would be gone forever from her life. The only thing she would have to remember him of was his jacket.

He descended the stairs. He expected Aaron to be gone by now. No... Chuck groaned internally. He just wanted to leave and revel in his own self pity. Not to mention fix everything.

Aaron eyed Chuck's lack of jacket. Please. Even Chuck Bass was not twisted enough to do something like that to Blair in her condition. Chuck strode by Aaron, letting his pompous expression cross his face. Let the tool think what he wanted. Chuck didn't give a damn, never did, never would.

Chuck pressed the button on the elevator, wishing this night would just end. He cast an eye towards Aaron, who was still glaring at him. What the hell was this guys problem. Yes, Chuck Bass had made yet another enemy on the Upper East Side. Still not caring.

"I should have expected as much from Chuck Bass," Aaron stated, trying to keep Chuck's attention. Yeah, good luck with that. "Blair would never have acted like this until she met you." What was this guy _on_? Blair and Chuck had known each other for literally forever. And what did he know? He met Blair literally a month ago. He didn't know the real Blair. The things Blair had confided in Chuck would make Aaron's skin crawl.

The elevator finally opened. Chuck strode into it and pivoted, facing Aaron with a smug look on his face. He'd regret what he said. He was Chuck Bass, damnit.

"If I were you, I would worry less about what your sister is doing and who she's doing it with and more about what your actual _girlfriend _is doing and the ex boyfriend she's doing it with," the doors closed in front of Chuck's face, but not before he saw the satisfying distraught look that crossed Aaron's face.

Chuck finally let his facade drop. He leaned against the back wall of the elevator as it traveled to the ground floor. He squeezed his eyes closed, shutting out the world in front of him. He felt the two minute tears slide down his cheeks, grateful that he was the only one that knew they were there.


	18. Awake

**XIIX. Awake**

_Everytime you try_

_Everybody's watching_

_Everybody cries_

_Stay, don't leave me_

_The stars can wait for your sign_

_-Goodnight, Travel Well_

_--The Killers_

Blair's eyes snapped open. The first thing that caught her eye was the time. 3:45 AM. That was the first thing that caught her eye. The first thing that she was aware of was the scent. His scent. And she didn't know why. She struggled up into a sitting position. There was something unfamiliarly strewn across her front. She shrugged it off of her when she realized what it was. Chuck Bass's jacket. She picked it up by the collar and inhaled it deeply as she brought it to her face. That explained the endless appearances of Chuck Bass in her dreams.

So he had been here. She knew what _wasn't _a dream, which was him taking her home. She was sure of it. It was the only logical thing that explained the jacket. So did that mean he cared? Blair was so tired of having to analyze every single thing that Chuck did. She wished that she could just stop it all. It would be so much easier if she just didn't care. She couldn't help that her heart jumped when it became obvious to her that he had come and taken care of her. But she was tired of thinking of what it all might mean.

She looked at her alarm clock again when she saw the glass of water next to it. That's when she realized that she was parched. She downed the whole thing in one gulp. She slid weakly out of her bed. For once she had nothing in her stomach to empty. She had no sense of control now, but in a way it was also protecting her, that she had nothing to hurt herself with. She stumbled to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. She was a wreck. Her white shirt was just dirty. She was horrified to see that you could actual see her source of pain permanantly screaming across her flesh. A mark of pain that would remain there forever. Or at least, long enough for someone to notice. And someone probably already had.

She pushed her arms through the sleeves of his jacket, desperate to cover the tortured skin beneath. Her eyes were rimmed with red and her hair was a complete mess. She looked under the sink for her salvation, just to find it empty. Yes, he had definitely been here. She sighed with yet more desperation and laid her forhead against the cold glass of the mirror, soothing her. She sqeezed her eyes shut, commanding the tears that her body was producing not to flow and stain her cheeks.

Blair realized she needed food but was afraid of what would happen should anything actually enter her stomach. She shut off the lights of the bathroom and trudged tiredly into her dark bedroom. Strange, considering she had been sleeping for who knows how long. Her door stood ajar and the hall light was on. Someone was watching her from outside. Blair didn't like the chills that ran across her goose flesh. She had too much experience from predators coming in through the dark. She knew she had to take control.

Blair held her head high and took exagerated long steps to her door, masquerading as a much more confident and invulnerable person. She didn't like the face that stared back at her when she creaked the door slightly more open. Not because he frightened her. Quite the contrary, he was practically beneath her. She didn't like the face because he had no right to be here. Meddling in things that were none of his concern. She did not want to deal with him right now. He didn't deserve a response from her.

She gave Aaron Rose an expectant expression, commanding him to speak first. Commanding him to explain his intrusion.

Instead he gave the jacket that was slung across her shoulders a contemptable look. Blair crossed her arms across her chest, unrepentant.

"He didn't do anything to you," Blair didn't know if it was a question or not. Not that it mattered, he wasn't explaining himself.

"What do you want," Blair cut right to the chase. She just wanted to be alone right now, with her twisted fantasies and a jacket that should mean nothing to her, but strangely did.

"When he came by--"

"You didn't answer my question," Blair cut him off. She knew she had beat him. He wasn't used to this world. She would make him do what she wished.

"We've been worried..." That was it. It vexed Blair that that was all he had to say on the matter. She knew it wasn't Aaron who had looked for her and brought her back. Only one person had the strength to do that. Blair didn't answer. This was boring and he needed to go away. Blair knew Aaron blamed Chuck for the state she was in, though she didn't know why. She wasn't about to ask, either. Never give yourself away. Those were the rules of the game.

"What he did..." Aaron trailed off again.

"He brought me back. He looked for me. He actually care--"

"We care," Blair narrowed her firey eyes at him. He interrupted her... She also didn't like how he kept saying _we_. Aaron read her expression and tried to explain himself.

"You've been alseep for two days. We were worried you were--"

"Two days?" That had actually caught Blair by surprise. Nothing usually did.

"He obviously knew. Didn't even give any tips on how to help you. Just abandoned you here after what he did--"

"He didn't do this to me," Blair cut him off again. They would not blame him for something that was not even his fault. Aaron didn't say anything to retort. Figures. Eleanor had probably sent him here, hoping someone at least near her age to get to her. No mistake, however, Blair knew she would never make the mistake of consuming drugs on a whim like that again. She knew what she had to do. Now that Chuck seemed to actually care whether she was alive or dead, she knew she couldn't have allowances like that. She had work to do. Starting with Aaron. This conversation was over.

"I appreciate your... _concern_," Blair said acidly. She backed away from the crack of the door which she was conversing with Aaron through. He actually got the message. She listened to him retreat as she turned back to the empty dark room. Like her. She had nothing inside of her but darkness. There was only one thought that was a comfort to her, which was him.

She sat on the bed, placing her head in her delicate hands, taking a deep shuddering breath. She had been asleep from the crash for two days. A lot could happen in two days. If something had happened to Chuck, she would be caught totally unawares. If he even had the slightest concern for her, she would have no idea. A lot could happen, and she would put a stop to it. She knew what she had to do. She would protect him, even if he didn't know it. For Chuck, she would do anything.

Chuck sat outside the Waldorf Residence in his limo. He thought he saw he shadow move around in Blair's dark room for a second, but he had hallucinated before. He raked his hand through his thick hair. He had to talk to her. He had taken care of everything, like he promised. She never heard the promise, but it was a promise nontheless. He could finally tell her how he felt. Nothing was keeping him from her anymore. Not a money hungry uncle who was undoubtedly persuing her in violent ways, not a best friend was actually in love with her best friend. Not even himself. He had finally admitted to himself the unconditional truth.

Chuck thought he could keep himself from her, but it wasn't so anymore. He finally understood it was only him that could protect her from the evil outside, even from herself. No one could do it better than him. He could finally be strong enough for the both of them.

He took a deep breath and couldn't help a smile that pulled at his lips. It was wrong. There was still that evil that had threatened her lurking somewhere out there, looking for him. But he couldn't help but feel the ecstasy of the undeniable truth. He could finally see her for everything that she was with nothing to intervene.

Chuck straightened the documents that had sprawled themselves across the leather seat and pulled at the handle of the vehicle. He paused with one foot outside the door. He took another look at Blair's window, gathering himself. He permitted his heart one more jump and continued to her door.


	19. Shredded

**XIX. Shattered**

_I'd ride in your pocket all day_

_But I just don't fit_

_Say the word and I'll change_

_I'm throwing a party tonight_

_I drink more_

_Than a sailor on shore_

_Pour the rum in my eyes_

_Tell me lies_

_-Drunken Lament_

_--Ludo_

Chuck Bass doesn't feel vulnerable. But he did, waiting in that elevator, his hands clenched in the legal documents. He had to convince himself to take deep breaths so he wouldn't pass out. It made sense to him now how Blair couldn't tell him the words he wanted to hear. This damned feeling of vulnerability. The nervousness, it was heart wrenching and he felt like he was about to vomit. He didn't want to feel this way, but she made him feel this was and was worth it. Every time.

Chuck hadn't really thought past the part where he bore his soul. He couldn't, he was so afraid of her reaction. He rather hoped that she would jump into his arms and vow to never leave him... but somehow... that seemed doubtful. One thing he did not anticipate was that damn Aaron Rose still in the foyer. Didn't he have a life? Couldn't he stay out of this? Part of him wanted to know what his deal was, but Blair was waiting. She just didn't know it yet.

Aaron blocked his path as Chuck stepped out of the elevator. Did this piece of scruff really want to go? For one sickening moment he thought that Aaron's feelings for Blair were missplaced. Sickening. He had Serena, why the hell did he want Blair? Besides the obvious, her perfection, her beauty. But it could happen. If Rufus Humphrey and Lily had ended up getting together than Dan and Serena would have been legally siblings. Awkward...

Chuck, however, convinced himself otherwise. Chuck knew that he was just feeling protective because Blair was being wronged by the very person Chuck held close. How could she ever forgive him? It didn't really matter. All that mattered was that she knew how he really felt about her. And she would. Right now. And this tool was not going to stop him. Chuck would throw blows if he had to. But that was the very last resort. Chuck didn't like commiting violence. He had been assaulted by a sertain Brooklyn Humphrey two too many times to actually use it. Usually Chuck could just talk or insult his way out of any situation. That was how he had avoided his uncle for the past week.

Chuck stepped right up to Aaron and bore his gaze into the problematic artist. Aaron shrank back a little. Chuck smirked in satisfaction. Easy, he should have known. Chuck pushed past him and spared one last backward contemptable glance and mounted the stairs. Easy.

Blair steadied herself against the countertop of the bathroom. Where the hell was Dorota? She should have been back with painkillers by now. She froze when she heard the stairs creak with heavy footsteps. Definitely not Dorota. Dorota did not have that distinctive walk. She just hoped that it wasn't Aaron being "concerned" again. She knew the real reason Aaron "cared" about her. He was missplacing his feelings. Blair was used to analyzing the emotions of men. Aaron couldn't control his own relationship with Serena so he was trying to control Blair. She knew all about control. Aaron could see Serena falling for Dan again and he couldn't do a damn thing to stop it. Blair was the next best thing. If he could control her realtionship with someone else, it would be enough for him. Blair, however, knew he wouldn't be seen around Serena for very much longer.

That still lead the problem with the very male presence at her door. Because Aaron wouldn't be the only person who was looking for her. There was a very real predator lurking out there that if he found out she was even seen with Chuck, let alone being carried around by him, she was in for some serious trouble.

Blair closed her eyes and took one last deep breath. If it was her personal demon, she would be strong. She had to be. She took quick steps into her room, not expecting who was actually standing in the middle of her room.

Chuck Bass's eyes softened as Blair walked into the room. Impulsively, Blair wrapped her robe tighter around her, hiding everything that lay beneath, hiding her bruises, scars, and too tight flesh around her visible ribs.

"What are you doing here?" Chuck didn't respond. He seemed to just be absorbing her appearance. She didn't like it. He was making her feel more self consious about how hideous she looked. She didn't know what it was, but Chuck just brought the insecurities out in her. She had to admit to herself that her heart simply just leapt at the sight of him, but she couldn't let herself be that way. She had to hurt him. Hurt him to save him. It was the only way. It was what she had promised herself after she got over the joy of him carrying her to her own house. The risk was just too great. And would not allow herself to be the end of Chuck Bass.

Chuck took serveral gentle steps toward her. Blair took a step back, wanting to shield him from her sickness. His eyes showed almost offense at her sudden step and... was that?-- yes... vulnerability. The same vulnerability that had brought him to her room for what seemed like years ago. It hadn't been that long. It had been the first time he showed himself fully. The first time he cried in front of her, or in front of anyone, for that matter.

Wordlessly Chuck dropped the papers he was holding onto Blair's bed. What was that. His eyes told her everything she needed to know. He wanted her to read them. She took careful steps towards the bed and picked them up, riffeling through them. She saw lost of words that jumped out at her. Long words that made little sense unless they were in the middle of legal documents. And they were. She couldn't understand what he was trying to tell her. The main words that jumped out at her were **Charles Bass**. Also **Jack Bass**... and... **inheritence**. Damn.

Blair's eyes locked with Chuck's. This was it. She had been right. She knew she had been right, Jack had practically bragged to her about it. He had damned her, but she had been right all along. This could have been a time for gloating or smugness. Blair felt sick. Chuck was going to lose his millions to his own blood. His own blood, but not his family. Blair was his family. And he finally knew it.

Chuck stepped closer to her. This time, Blair didn't recoil. She always felt safe with him, no matter how her condition was wrong for him. He pulled the documents away from her, dropping them on the bed again. No one had spoken for a while. Blair was at a loss for words. She didn't want Chuck to be exposed to her like this. She was all wrong for him.

Blair found that her hands were in his. Chuck was so close she could feel his gentle breath on her face. It didn't disgust her, but made her want to be closer to him. She wanted to pull him into an embrace and never let go. Her fantasies were becoming more and more unrealistic.

"You were right," Chuck's deep velvet voice growled softly in her ear. Blair couldn't remember how long she had wanted this. So long. "I'm sorry," he continued. He was being genuine, a rare occurence. But she couldn't absorb it. She couldn't accept it, no matter how much she wanted to. She wanted so much to give in to him. She was afraid to breath because his essence would surround her. She would be powerless then.

Chuck's warm hands ran up her arms and walked into a gentle embrace, like the last time he had come to her. Blair fought tears that threatened to spill out of her eyes. She would not let them. She braced her hands against his chest. She felt him stiffen. He pulled away and looked her deeply in her eyes. Damn him. He knew her weakness. He knew what his slanting dark eyes could do to her. But she let her cold mask cover her face, eliminating every emotion within her. His eyes questioned her. He knew she was hiding something. At times like these, she cursed at how well he knew her.

"What is it?" his soft voice demanded. She had to hurt him. And it would kill her.

"Of course I was right. I knew that all along. Is that all you came to tell me?" Blair couldn't look into Chuck's wounded eyes. Her resolve would collapse is she looked within the depths.

Chuck pushed away. Blair dared herself to look back up. His back was turned to her, his hand raking through his thick hair. He was frusterated and confused. He was in thought. He turned back to her, resolve in his eyes. Blair highly doubted that he was going to make this easy. He wasn't just going to leave. He would push her until he understood. He would push her until she would break down and crumble.

Chuck's mouth pulled into a bitter, harsh and short laugh. His breath pushed Blair's hair away from her face.

"You hate me. You should," Blair thrust her chin out defiantly. He would not win. "But I came here to tell you something, so I'm just going to say it," Chuck was close to her again, his hot eyes scorching her. Blair couldn't understand what else he had to say. She knew what she wanted him to say, but realism told her that would never happen.

"You were right," he said again gently, "and I wish I could have given you this when you needed it. When you deserved it. You said it, and I should have been able to say it back. You hate me. I suppose that's the way it should be. But you have to know..." Chuck was struggling. Blair could see that this was hard for him. What Blair had wanted from him from so long was actually coming to pass. Unbelievable. He had never said it before, and Chuck didn't do vulnerability. "I... Blair... I feel..." his brow was furrow. This was beyond difficult for him. If he said it, Blair didn't know what would happen after that. She didn't trust herself. "I--" he began again. She could see he was close. She couldn't let that happen.

"Okay, stop," Blair said suddenly. She could not let him make this mistake. Chuck's eyes were confused.

"Blair," he protested confusedly.

"You should leave," Blair said the first thing that came to her mind. "I already knew that your damn uncle was using you, so if that's all that you have to say here..." Blair trailed off as she picked up the documents from her bed and handed them to him. Chuck ignored the gesture. He knocked them back to where they lay before. He crossed his arms over his broad chest, his eyes searching hers. Blair commanded herself not to waver. He would know if she did. He always knew. He didn't move. "You can go--" Blair started but was cut off.

"No," Chuck stated blatantly. No, he never made anything easy. "What are you doing Blair? I understand that you hate me, but I just need to say this.."

"I don't hate you, but what _I_ need is for you to leave." Blair and Chuck were very close. Things were about to get heated. They always did when they didn't agree.

"No," Chuck said with quiet ferocity. Blair didn't have anything to say that she already hadn't. She was going to have to repeat herself. Blair shook her hair out of her eyes and glared right into his. He didn't back off. They were too evenly matched. This would have been so much easier if it was anyone but Chuck. He connected his hands with her upper arms. She violently shook them off and turned away, "God, Chuck, why can't you just leave?!" she shouted exasperatedly, turning away from him. Chuck grabbed her arm and pulled her firmly back to him.

"Because I love you!" he looked surprised at his own confession. Blair blanched. Unbeliveable. Never had she even expected this of Chuck Bass, no matter how much she wanted it. They stared into each other's eyes for what seemed like hours, decades, lifetimes.

Time was, before all of this, Blair would have accepted him back immediately. Chuck had given her everything in those four shocking words. Time was, her hands would have ran up his arms and entangled themselves into his hair, pulling his face towards hers. He would have crushed his lips against hers, hands running down to the small of her back, pulling her harshly into his chest. Hands everywhere, lips with that. Swollen lips with bruises that came with sweet painfully tight grasps. She would have bit his lip, his teeth gnashing into hers.

But that was a long time ago. Chuck wasn't in danger of being sent away forever and Blair wasn't in danger of demons she could not control. Blair snapped out of her vivid fantasy. Chuck's hand was still clenched around her wrist, his eyes burning into hers. She suddenly knew the exact words that needed to be recited to save Chuck. Hurt him to save him.

He loved her, great. No matter how much Blair wished it, it didn't change a damn thing. If Jack ever knew, Chuck would be ruined. He just didn't know it. She hoped that one day Chuck would understand why she would say the words she was about to say. She hoped he could understand that she loved him more than herself. She loved him more than the clothing line she would one day inherit, she loved him more that her priviledged existence, she loved him more than her own health. It didn't matter how she was being violated. But Chuck disappearing forever would surely kill her.

He was still waiting for her response. Blair closed her eyes and opened them, clearing away all her doubt. What remained was one clear, underlying truth. She had to save him. So she said it.

"Well that's too bad, because I don't." Blair broke him. She could see it. His eyes blanked. There was nothing there anymore. His grip on her arm slackened and she was able to wrench herself free. He backed away from her. Again, leaving after those words were uttered.

The documents had been knocked off the bed. Blair didn't bother picking them up. Nothing mattered anymore. She had hurt him to save him. She saved him so he wouldn't disappear forever, because if he did, she would die. But was it worth it. Because it sure as hell felt like an excruciating death right now. Her still beating heart had been wrenched from her weak chest... and it was she who was holding it.

Blair collapsed on her bed, his footsteps fading farther and farther away. For the first time since before he had gone, she purged in the only healthy way. Gut wrenched tears scorched her face. She didn't know how salt water could scald her so. She screamed and cried into her pillow. Yes, she would prefer death to this heart break.

Chuck wasn't aware of the world outside of his mind. He descended the steps of her apartment, unaware of where he was walking, how he wasn't falling, or even the person who had no place here, glaring at him with contempt. That's what snapped Chuck out of his trance. He felt unnamable emotions seeth through his chest. Fire flew through him in a hate and anger he had never felt before. Except it wasn't at her, never at her.

"What did you do to her," Aaron accused. Death. He had no right. He had no idea what this was. Chuck slowly turned to face his accuser. Chuck knew that his anger was missplaced, but he would place it here. He didn't even know who his anger was supposed to be for, only that it wasn't for her. So Chuck would settle for him.

Chuck's face was inches from Aaron's, who found that he was backed against a wall. Chuck knew his ferocity was damn terrifying, and he could be terrifying when he wanted to be. Chuck wanted Aaron to fear for his life. He didn't know why, but someone was going to pay for... everything.

Chuck didn't have to raise his voice. His voice grated into a deadly whisper, a threatening whisper. He grasped Aaron by the collar and his voice threatened in Aaron's ear.

"What did _I_ do?" Chuck growled, "you have _no_. _idea_. _You have no idea what this is, what you have come across._" Chuck felt Aaron tremble in satisfaction. He turned to face him, Chuck's eyes practically shooting fire and devouring Aaron. He let an absolutely evil smirk grace his features. Aaron was trapped. "I told you before you shouldn't be worrying about me or Blair or what goes on between us," Chuck's voice was still dangerously low, "you should worry about your own problems. How your Brooklyn brother is stealing my sister. Which I suppose is why you're misplacing your concern about Serena for concern about Blair. You're worried about her when you really should be worried about my promiscuous sister avading you. Eleanor and your dear father may trust this to you, God knows you need something of substance in your life, but you stay the hell away from Blair. She is not. Your. Concern." Chuck finally released him and pushed him against the wall and strode the the elevator, hastily pushing the button for the ground floor.

It wasn't until he reached his limo that Chuck realized where his true anger should be directed towards. He knew exactly who was hurting her. He had all along. He knew exactly who he should be angry at. He knew exactly who had hurt Blair, and who was even hurting him.


	20. Free

**XX. Free**

_Let me wrap myself around you_

_Let me show you how I see_

_And when you come back in from nowhere_

_Do you ever think of me_

_Your hear is not able_

_Let me show you how much I care_

_I need those eyes to tide me over_

_Take a picture when I go_

_Gives me strength and gives me patience_

_But I'll never let you know_

_I've got nothing on you, baby_

_But I always say I'll try_

_Let me show you how much I care_

_And sometimes it gets hard, don't you know_

_Don't give the ghost up_

_Just clench your fist_

_You should have known by now_

_You were on my list_

_When your heart is not able_

_And your friends_

_They're not fable_

_Let me show you_

_Let me show you_

_Let me show you how much I care_

Confronting Jack now would be suicide. Chuck knew it. Chuck didn't know how his state of mind could be so altered when he hadn't even taken anything. He heard the elevator doors ding open but he didn't open his eyes. He wished the world would just go away. He stepped into the foyer of his old home. The home that Bart and Lily had owned before his untimely death. It was more familiar than Chuck wanted it to be.

He had actually spent the past nights of Blair's crash here. Serena wasn't pleased. Like he gave a damn. She was a such a hypocrite. Hanging out with her ex boyfriend while her new boyfriend frantically worried over her best friend. So twisted. Eric, however, plead his case. Lily was pleased the prodical son had returned. Didn't really make much sense what with the constant parade of different women each night before everything went to hell.

Its not like Chuck's room had been touched at all. No matter how despised he had been, everyone entertained the thought that he would return. Just, no one thought it would cost the well being of one of their own.

Chuck followed the familiar path to his room. The one that was right next to Serena's. Serena who was not home. Big surprise there. He leaned back on his bed in the dark room, his arms behind his head. Emptiness overwhelmed him. That's what he deserved. Having his own words thrown back in his face was the perfect punishment for what he had done to her. He deserved a lot worse, actually. He promised that he would save her. He didn't hold into account what he would still have to do even after she had rejected him. Jack didn't have to see what Blair had become because of him. He didn't see the pain, self loathing, or self destruction. Chuck wouldn't see it either. No doubt everyone would blame him for it. It was, in a way, his fault. If only he had believed her. The only woman who had ever truly loved him, and the only woman he loved back, and this was how he repayed her.

Jack was done. Chuck would make sure of it. But again, he wasn't sure what was to come after that. He would destroy Jack, person Chuck had thought loved him for just him. But it turned out that person was right in front of him the whole time. Jack was just using him.

Chuck would self indulge after Blair was okay. He knew he couldn't just destroy Jack and be done with it. Blair would have to go to countless therapy sessions, rehabilitaion, and, of course, doctors for her... condition. Doctors who no doubt would constantly be questioning her on her... violation. It wouldn't be over for her like it would be over for him. She would have to relive the terrors Jack had put her through. Chuck would get off with nothing to pay for, even though he had to pay for everything. He had to pay for putting her in the first place.

But right now... he just couldn't take anything. He was so out of it, he couldn't keep a single thought in his head. Was this how Blair felt when he rejected her? He owed her so much. She didn't deserve him. He treated her horribly, yet he couldn't let the thought of her go. He was weak. He disgusted himself. But he loved her. He finally admitted it to himself.

He loved her.

Blair lay crumpled on the floor of her bedroom, her back against her bed. Whenver she thought she had cried herself dry, more just seemed to produce themselves. She had broken herself and she had no idea how to put herself back together. She tried to take deep shuddering breaths but just choked on her own air. She didn't know how she would survive anymore. She was done for good.

Blair knew it was self destruction that had lead her here in the first place, but she couldn't survive in her own head. Her stash was gone but Eleanor's liquor cabinet was open for her.

Dorota had come back to see Blair strewn across her bed and known what had happened. What else could it have been? Dorota was asleep now, with nothing to comfort a broken Blair with. Blair stumbled shakily down the stairs. Aaron was gone. Good. He couldn't stop what Blair was about to do. Blair knew where she would end up, she just needed a little liquid courage to get there.

Blair knew what had stopped her from telling Chuck the whole truth about Jack. Chuck just hadn't believed her before. But he told her he believed her now... among other things. Blair could conceivably tell Chuck everything. He would believe her...now. Now he would believe her.

Blair knocked back a nameless bottle. It didn't even burn her throat. Actually, it sort of tasted like peaches. Of course, leave it to Eleanor to purchase the feminine booze with no kick. Well, a slight kick. It served its purpose. Blair also knew what Chuck had told her after he said he believed her. Something made it difficult for her to believe him. Why, after all this time? What _possessed _him to have that sudden confession? Only one thing made sense. He knew. He knew everything. So it was out of pity? That didn't make any sense either. Chuck Bass didn't emote pity. It was impossible.

Blair took another swig. So she would find out. Yes, the booze were doing their job. She was actually going to ask him. Something she had never done in her life. She had never asked Chuck Bass what he was actually feeling. Chuck didn't feel, it would seem like a lost cause. Now things were different. She was actually going to follow Chuck to his house.

Blair paused at the elevator. He wouldn't be in his suite. He knew about... everything. There was only one place he could go now. And she would follow him there.

Honestly, she couldn't remember the cab ride over, or the elevator ride up. All she knew was the sound of her stocking feet against the carpet of the Van der Woodsen/ Bass apartment. She knew his room, it was right across from Serena's. She took another swig from the bottle. He had every right to hate her right now. She wouldn't blame him if he shouted at her to leave. Shouting really wasn't Chuck's style, but she still wouldn't blame him.

Blair never would have imagined she would be crawling back to Chuck in this inebriated manner. She rested her head against his doorframe. She would be lucky if her assumption was correct and he was even here. But then again, who was she kidding. She knew Chuck Bass better than anyone. Moonlight lit the room like it was day. Chuck lay back on his bed, his arms behind his head. But she knew he knew she was standing there. She was just apprehensive of what was about to happen. Blair never would have thought herself as desperate. But she had never been so lost in her life. She was so scared. She had no idea who she was anymore. She hung her head as Chuck slowly sat up in his bed. She couldn't see his expression in the dark. She was only vaguely aware of how much she was shaking. Chuck, however, was very aware.

Chuck slowly slid of the bed and his feet touched the floor. He took two cautionary steps towards Blair. She rose her head to meet his gaze lit by the moonlight. It was still hard to decipher his expression. But she was tired of wondering what he was really feeling or thinking, when he said something else. She would find out. He was either here for her or not. She knew she had to take into account her earlier performance, but right now, she just needed someone. She needed him.

Chuck had walked near her, so Blair took it as an invitation. She attempted to take a step in the room but her tights caught on the rug and her grace was threatened. Chuck was already at her side, steadying her. Blair had never been more frightened than she was at this very moment. It could be that he just didn't want her to fall, spilling the contents of her drink all over his room, or he actually... She didn't want to think it. His closeness was muddling her mind.

Chuck's hands ran down her arms and reached for the bottle. She let him slide it out of her grip and place it on her dresser. He returned to her, his hands making trails of fire across her arms. Blair wished he would stop. She was already confused as it was. Why didn't he just kick her out, and get on with it? Why didn't he hate her? She knew the part of her that had lead her here in the first place held onto that small shred of hope that he actually did love her. It seemed unlikely, after what she pulled. But she still needed him.

The tears came unexpectedly. Blair hated crying in front of Chuck. It made her feel wildly insecure. She knew the thing he wanted most about her was her strength. What does he think of her when she breaks down right in front of him?

Chuck seemed to accomadate her without even being asked. His hands were at her shoulders, pulling her in. And that was then there became a complete role reversal. It was now Chuck holding Blair while she cried. And it occured to them both that they could only truly show their true emotions to each other. Chuck pulled Blair into a gentle embrace.

Blair breathed an apology in his ear so quiet she could barely hear it. Chuck pulled away to examine her eyes. His dark slanting eyes were soft, trying to read her. Blair just shook with emotion. Chuck lead her to the edge of the bed and they both perched themselves there. Their faces were so close that their breaths mingled in a combonation of Blair and Chuck's different scents.

Blair felt soft lips press to her temple. Now or never. She had to know. And even if he completely rejected her, there was still the undenyable truth that no one would ever know her, or be able to comfort her as well as Chuck Bass could.

"Say it again," she breathed in Chuck's ear. Blair felt him stiffen. She understood it was unfair of her to do this to him. The last time he did, she completely rejected him. But she needed to know. For good.

"What..." he trailed off. They both knew what she was talking about. But Blair felt defeat. That was it. She understood that. She started to pull away, tears threatening to spill across her cheeks again. That was the thing about Chuck and Blair. They had the worst timing. When one of them was ready, the other wasn't. Chuck seemed to understand that. And he wasn't about to let that problem take hold of them again.

"I said it..." he began as Blair pulled away, standing next to the bed. She sniffed back her tears and wiped them hastily away. But Chuck missed nothing. Blair cast her eyes back down at him. His eyes still radiated softness at her. She had never seen him this vulnerable. She would stay to see where it led.

"I said it..." he repeated, "and it was true. I do love you." That was it. It was so quiet she almost missed it. She let out a tear inflicted breath of relief. Chuck looked up at her in confusion. She sat back next to him again. Chuck didn't recoil. Blair leaned slightly forward and gently pressed her lips against his. Before he had time to respond, she did.

"I love you," she repeated the words she had already stated. Both pairs of dark eyes locked on each other.

It seemed like hours that Blair lay across from Chuck on his bed. No words had passed between them. No words were needed. They just lay back and gazed at each other. Her tears had stopped and they were never coming back again.

"You didn't tell me," Chuck said. Blair wasn't sure what he was talking about. She just told him that she loved him. Chuck seemed to anticipate her confusion.

"What he did to you..." Chuck trailed off. He usually wasn't one for loss of words. Blair knew there was only on '"he" they could be talking about.

"I was scared," Blair confessed, something she would not confess in any other company. "He... said some things. Things about you. I wasn't going to lose you like that." Chuck waited for her to elaborate.

"He said something that he knew I would never be able to take. He said he would send you away. I'm not afraid of him. But I'm afraid of never seeing you again." Silence.

He slowly neared her. She was unsure of what he was doing. Something that was new to them both. He encircled her utterly and completely, nonverbally telling her that she was safe. He wasn't going to let anyone hurt her again.

This feeling with Chuck was foreign to Blair. His arm cradled her head. They were never tender like this with each other before. It felt foreign, but it didn't feel bad. It felt better. She leaned her head against his on the pillow. She felt his steady breath that contrasted with her erratic ones. His presence was soothing. That's all she could think of. That she was in his arms again, and for the first time ever. That was the last thing she thought before she slid into unconsciousness.

Chuck woke with a start to the sound of wretching. It hurt him to hear her hurting herself in his bathroom when she should be here, next to him. He had been deeply surprised when she had showed up on his doorframe. He had thought that Blair hated him, what was she doing here? But the answer was so simple, he should have known it as soon as she was in his sight.

Blair needed him. She needed him in a way only he could comfort her. He couldn't understand why, after she had cursed him, commanded him to leave. But here she was. It made no sense. And it made perfect sense. And none of it mattered anymore. Really, there were no more secrets anymore. He understood her like he understood his own buried emotions. And he knew she knew him too. The things she said were completely negated. She said what he had wanted from her for so long. She loved him. In only a way Blair could. She loved him in the way the Chuck loved her. Totally and unconditionally. They were finally free.

That didn't change the fact, however, that she was purging herself in his bathroom. He couldn't take her suffering. And that was why they both were there.

His bathroom door was slightly ajar, the light spilling into the hallway. Chuck dismounted the bed and hovered at the door. There was Blair emptying what little she had in her stomach. She looked so helpless. No one knew the pain she was in. In this light, he could see the bruises so much clearer, and it killed him. He knew that at least part of that was his fault.

He softly padded behind her. He gathered her hair from her neck and held it back as her frail body convulsed. Blair leaned her head against the cold porcelain, breathing in deeply, her eyes squeezed shut. Chuck helped her to her feet and lead her to the sink. He turned on the faucet and guided her hands under the steady stream.

Blair's gravity was in check, so he let her go, letting her cleanse her mouth and hands. Chuck looked back to her and saw the shame in her eyes. He couldn't let her feel that way about herself. It wasn't her fault that this was done to her, and he knew that she was blaming herself for it. He reached for her again and started to help her from the bathroom. They barely made it to the door.

Blair began to slide to the floor, and Chuck made sure she made it there with no further injuries. He gathered her in his arms, something totally unwonted of him, and they both leaned against the door frame.

Blair was shaking again. Chuck held her close to his chest, trying to protect her from herself. Her shirt slid from her shoulder, revealing her ugly blemishes. Chuck squeezed his eyes against the sight of them. He wished he didn't have a hand in creating her pain. He also found it hard to believe she still wanted him after everything that he had done. But she was here, that was what mattered.

Chuck slowly lowered his head to Blair's shoulder and pressed his lips to her bruise. He wanted to make her better. Blair's face turned to his, her eyes soft and inviting. He kissed her neck softly. He didn't want her to get the wrong idea. He didn't want to hurt her more than he already had. Their eyes locked at she breathed as name. That's what he was afraid of. He started to pull away sadly, but she had a tight grip on his arm. No matter how much he wanted her, he could never hurt her again.

Blair pressed her lips softly against his. Chuck didn't like it. He knew that look in Blair's eye. He had promised he would protect her, even if it was from himself. But her eyes were pleading, something that was rarely seen on her. Chuck knew he would not be able to control himself if this went too far. He knew that she was aware of that as well. Her hands trailed up his arm and locked behind his neck.

"Blair," he softly protested. It really wasn't an invitation for what she thought it was. He knew he wouldn't be able to protest, however, if this ended up how he thought she wanted it to. Chuck usually wasn't the romantic type, but Blair just brought that out in him. Only when they were alone, of course.

"I want to," Blair stated evenly. And when Blair has her mind set on something... Chuck stood up, helping Blair to her feet. He was going to ignore what she just said. He stood awkwardly near his bed. He was trying not to give her the wrong idea. Blair didn't even seem to notice. She took the same perch she had before, searching his eyes with hers.

Chuck sat next to her, easing her down next to him. He would make sure nothing went to far. He wasn't sure what was in store for them, but he wouldn't let her get hurt anymore.

They were in the same position they were the night he left. Chuck wasn't going to make that mistake again. And he knew Blair wasn't about to leave either. She inched closer to him. Chuck knew then that things weren't going to go far. It was just them here. No games or agenda. Just them.

Chuck let her pull his lips with her own. He retaliated gently, making sure Blair knew what this meant. They lost each other in sweet kisses and fell asleep in each other's arms.


	21. Done

**XXI. Done**

_Help me get down_

_I can make it, help me get down_

_Help me get down_

_I can make it, help me get down_

_If i only knew the answer_

_If all our days are numbered_

_Then why do I keep counting?_

_- Why Do I Keep Counting?_

_-- The Killers_

Chuck opened his his eyes to sunlight spilling through his windows and Blair's easy breathing. She wasn't choked up from tears. In fact, she looked peaceful. But Chuck knew she was awake. She just didn't want to let go of the perfection they both had reached. He moved even closer to her, if that was possible, and but his mouth to her ear, breathing easily, so she knew he was awake too. Her eyes fluttered open.

Chuck didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to ruin anything. The softness in her eyes permitted him, though. Things weren't over, no matter how happy they could be right now. Chuck had unfinished business. He pressed his lips to her hairline and finally said, "I have to leave for a while, take care of something." They both knew what it was. Chuck knew about his scheming uncle and that had to be stopped. Chuck, now being the richest teenager in New York had unlimited resources.

"Will you be here when I get back?" That wasn't even a question. Where would she go? Chuck smirked at her condescending expression. So Blair. He slid off the bed, permitting her one last glance and disappeared down the hallway. Blair closed her eyes again. It seemed painful to let him go. So many times he had left and not come back. She numbed herself by falling back into a deep sleep.

Chuck reached his limo and drove off, not observing eyes that scrutinized him from across the street.

Blair didn't know how long she had been unconscious. She did wonder where Serena and Eric were. This was there house, shouldn't they be home? However, Blair had no concept of time. She didn't even know what day it was. She heard the bell of the elevator. She slid off the bed and retreated into the hallway.

"Chuck?" Who else would it be. Not Chuck.

"Blair..." All the breath left her body. She felt like she wanted to vomit, her chest wretching. No, _no_, **no**. Jack Bass walked from the foyer, approaching her smoothly.

"I thought we had an agreement," he made a grin that made Blair's stomach twist sickeningly. He rounded the corner, trailing his fingers against the wall.

"Now what business could you have here? Serena's not her. Neither is Eric or their mother. They've got enough business to deal with, chasing my nephew all around town, who was actually chasing _you _all around town." So that was it. Chuck had been looking for her and when the Van der Woodsens hadn't seen him for a while they searched. It would have made Blair happy to know that they still cared for him if her life wasn't in some serious danger right now.

And suddenly, Blair wasn't afraid anymore. He could wound her, destroy her body. but there was one thing that was certain. Chuck loved her. And no one, not even this excuse for a human being could take that away. Blair let a knowing smirk cross her face. Yes, she was afraid. Pain was sure to follow, pain she was used to. But he didn't have to know that. As far as he knew, he had no more control over her. She walked confidentally up to him, head held high.

"I'm not afraid of you. You can't do anything to me anymore." She watched Jack analyze her clear dark eyes. But he moved dangerously closer. Blair felt her mask waver. No. No, he wouldn't take this from her.

"Oh, no," he disagreed darkly, "there is _plenty _I can do to hurt you." Blair recoiled slightly. This was the first time he had ever overtly told her what he would do to her. But she wouldn't let him take this.

"Its **over**, _Jack_," Blair seethed, "he knows everything. You are _done_. You are gone, you don't have any power," Blair turned around confidently. But something still stung her. She whipped back around to Jack and told him.

"He _loves _me," Blair said purely. She found a smile that could finally grace her features. "You've got _nothing_." Blair raised her head to him, finally liberated.

"Oh, no?" Jack smiled back. Blair's body didn't have time to respond to the fear that should have been coursing through her veins. His hands were already wrapped around her neck and she was pressed on the couch, him cutting off all of her air.

"You've cost me a lot, you little whore. I am going to take this now that you've ruined everything else, slut," Jack's face was completely terrifying. No more cheerful mask that had a demonic trace behind it. Something completely different had taken him over. No oxygen was going to her brain and she felt herself about to pass out.

The room was spinning and Blair couldn't concentrate on anything but the pain in her throat, being scorched by unwanted hands. She couldn't concentrate on anything so she couldn't hear the elevator doors open. She couldn't hear a familiar older woman's voice shout an "oh my God!" or an even more familiar male voice shout "No!"

Painful tears scorched down Blair's face. Suddenly the weight was lifted off her. She heard a grunt and a slam. The sudden weight exchange propelled her from the couch. She rolled off and hit her head on the table next to the couch as she hit the floor.

Dizzy was an understatement. Blair couldn't even summon the energy to get up. She lay on her stomach, her face to the floor. She felt warmth forming at her hairline. The table had scratched a cut on her head and she was bleeding. She heard the woman's familiar voice again.

"Charles," Lily said steadily. "I know how much he has hurt you, but you can't lose yourself in the process. The assault charges alone will send him away. Everyone knows what he's done to you. What he's done to all of us. He won't take anything from you anymore. The police are waiting downstairs."

Blair knew what the slam was without even looking up, not that she could. Chuck had pinned Jack up against the wall. That's why it surprised her when she felt gentle hands on her sides. She let an audible breath of air escape her lips. His hands rose to her arms and softly leaned her against him, lifting her back to the couch.

Blair leaned against Chuck's chest, sucking in a shuddering breath, breathing in his inescapable scent. His arms held her close. He was trembling too, but for different reasons. The adrenaline was still coursing through his veins alone with the anger.

Jack straightened his jacket a smug look on his face. Blair didn't understand. She thought he was done. The elevator rang again. Blair didn't see the police take him away, or Serena hug her, wondering if she was okay, why she never told anyone. She didn't hear the phone call from her mother from Paris, asking what was new when she was gone. She didn't care that Aaron was gone when she reached her own house and was never coming back.

But he was there. She didn't know why. Did they really love each other, or was it just crimes of passion, fear and anger that brought them togther? Now that Jack was gone, where would they go?

Chuck watched her sleep in her bed. She was beautiful. He couldn't help but trace the fingers that marked her flesh. His own blood had done this to her. But that was the difference. It may have been his own blood, but it was never his family. She was. She was his family, and Blair was the only one for him. Forever. He wasn't going to let her go.

Chuck would stand by her through all of the therapy and doctor appointments. Tell reporters to leave when he knew that she'd had enough. Stop the doctors from questioning her too much on the ugly details. He thought he could leave her once he saved her. He knew that was imposible now. They would fight and get back together many times after this whole ordeal died down. But he would never forget her. She was it for him.

Chuck stroked her hair as she slept, something he never let her catch him do. Alone he would kiss her gently and tenderly. Treat her like he wouldn't treat her in public. That's how it was. But he wouldn't even let Blair see how much he desperately cared for her. That was them. They were twisted and sick and played games. But in the end, they were the ones who would grow old togther.


	22. Love, Unrequited

**XXII. Love, Unrequited**

_Should I just get along with myself_

_I never did get along with everybody else_

_I've been trying hard to do what's right_

_But you know I could stay here all night_

_This river is wild_

_-This River is Wild_

_--The Killers_

**Blair Waldorf**

I never thought I would be here, holding his head. I hadn't thought that last time he came here, but it's all the same, I suppose. I hate that the only time I can ever truly know what he's thinking is when he's drunk. But he just needs so much help. But in a way, this is sort of perfect. That just shows how twisted we are, me and him. This seems to be the only time we can ever be truly happy.

He scared me tonight. One of the many scares I will have to come, I can assume. He is so lost, I wish I could just take it all away. He's on his way through a downward spiral, but I will be there. Always. Jack doesn't care about him, I can tell. There's something about that man that I just don't trust. From the first time I saw him, I knew he didn't have Chuck's best interest at heart. I can read people. It's what I do.

Tonight I had to drag Chuck out of a club where he was heavily intoxicated, among other things. Women hanging off of him, and I didn't even care. It doesn't matter. I know he's hurting, and I can accomadate that. He doesn't know yet, but he will. He will soon know how much I do care for him, no matter what he does to me. I'll be here forever, forever by his side, whether he likes it or not.

I'll be here through everything. When he gets out of this, he'll need to got off whatever he's on, and I'll be there. There's nothing he can do to keep me away. He can't scare me away. He won't scare me away.

So here I sit in his suite, on his bed, just holding him. It's what he needs. It's what I can provide. And it's enough for now. He's awake, I know. He knows I'm here. His facade is down. He tried to ward me off. Right now, he just has a moment of weakness. Tomorrow he'll insult me, ward me off with countless women, and I won't care. But for now, I'm saving him. He knows it. He knows that all he needs is me, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay because deep down it's what will happen. Deep down, all we need is each other. We'll be okay one day.

***

Blair sat on Chuck's bed, his head in her lap, stroking his hair tenderly. He felt every stroke, just like he felt every pound in his head from the alcohol and other drugs he had taken that night. And right now, he didn't care if he bore himself completely to her. His wall was down and that was okay. She could take care of him like no one else could.

Chuck held himself drunkenly closer to her, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist, his legs sprawled over the bed. Blair leaned against the headboard, holding Chuck's head.

It was just them both, listening to each other breathing. Chuck's eyes were squeezed shut, shutting out the painful world that just kept dragging him down. But she was there. She was always there for him.

Blair just kept sifting her fingers through his thick hair, comforting him.

"I love you," he whispered drunkenly, muffled by her arms. Blair wasn't caught of gaurd. She just kept stroking him. A single tear rolled down her cheek.

"I know," she whispered back. He wouldn't remember this in the morning. It didn't matter. Blair always knew it was true. She would help him through this no matter how hard he struggled against because she knew it was true. Because she loved him the same way.


End file.
